We Hope All Had a Wonderful CHRISTmas!

Hello my family and friends,

Well, CHRISTmas is over now for another year. We hope it was wonderful and wonderous for all of you. For us here, it most certainly was. Larry and I both look at CHRISTmas through new and more humble eyes, and are so much more appreciative of life, and of each other. I feel so blessed to have been here to celebrate one more CHRISTmas on this earth, with my beloved family and friends.

Today was my FINAL chemo treatment -- YAY!! It has been hard on me physically as well as emotionally. Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come when I began chemo 16 long weeks ago. There were side effects that I did and did not mention here on my blog, because I wanted to stay positive and keep a positive outlook. But believe me, it was difficult. Because my cancer was NOT considered to have been detected early, because it was so advanced and aggressive, my treatments were harder and stronger, and the side effects have been brutal. The neuropathy in my hands, feet, lips and tongue has worsened, and they had considered not giving me this final eighth treatment for fear the neuropathy would be permanant. Then yesterday, my oncologist decided that the benefits outweighed the risks in taking that last treatment. After all, I would rather increase my chances of survival and have numb hands, than decrease my chances of survival. In the meantime, I have been prescribed drugs to help with the neuropathy, and it's been recommended I supplement those with large doses of B Complex vitamins to help with the healing of the nerve endings in my extremities. I am praying it works.

Other side effects have, for me, caused bulging, discolored fingernails; shriveled fingertips; significant weight gain; bloating; swelling; digestive/gastrointestinal issues with some bleeding; heartburn; unimagineable daily bone pain; insurmountable exhaustion; and frequent bloody noses. Add to that the continuing expansion of my tissue expander, which has by this point, become so tight and nearly unbearably uncomfortable (it's like an immovable rock sitting inside my chest wall), throw in the nausea, and DANG, this chemo stuff has whipped my ever-lovin' TAIL!

So, the best part of today is that chemo is OVER FOR ME! I know I will still have at least two weeks ahead now during which I will feel so crummy. Sometimes the fatigue is so bad that I am too exhausted LITERALLY to uncross my ankles. Truly, chemo does make you feel exhaustion that is immeasurable and hard to explain. Those of you who've had the unfortunate experience of having gone through it can understand. The staff at the chemo clinic was so good to me today (they always are), as they saw me off by having all the nurses gather around me to blow bubbles, applaud, hand me a "graduation" certificate, pin a lovely angel on my shirt (to watch over me during radiation treatments), and to give me the angel ornament that hung on my IV pole for all these chemo treatments.

Of course, I have no hair, no breast -- and as my son Mark reminds me, "and no cancer, mom!" -- so despite the difficulties chemo brings, I am very, very, VERY blessed. For me, it was very nearly too late, especially when a pulmonary embolism decided to make an appearance to add to my maladies. Ahh, but now that chemo is over with, my hair should start growing back soon. Maybe by summer, I will have enough hair to retire my wig. I still do have eyelashes and eyebrows, though very, VERY sparse. This morning, I had to laugh. I was filling in my scant eyebrows with pencil, and used my old, vintage eyebrow brush to blend the pencil color into the single row of eyebrow hairs that remain. That brush is sooooo old that most of its bristles are missing. Suddenly I laughed. Finally the brush was perfectly suited to my eyebrows!

My prognosis remains pretty good, yet I am still very scared. My doctors and nurses each and every one, as well as my breast-cancer-survivor sisters, have all told me that my fear is a normal part of this process, and that it is understandable. The advice my oncologist gave me yesterday was, "Don't worry in advance." He reminded me to take each day one at a time and consider each a gift, to thank God at the end of the day for making it through that day, and pray that He will give me another day tomorrow. And really, that's all any of us can do, right? One thing I am most grateful for is my strong faith. Without it, I would not be here. I know I wouldn't.

So what's next? Well, I get about a month off. Then, radiation begins. We have a consultation with the radiation oncologist next week, at which time we will have a more defined schedule. But my oncologist tells me that radiation will last anywhere from 6 to 10 weeks, 5 days a week. After radiation ends, I will have another 2 or 3 months off from treatments, then reconstructive surgery will continue. Long process, but the payoff for a few more years on this earth with my beloved family and friends is WORTH IT.

This CHRISTmas for us was extra sweet, extra special, full of laughter and love. Our entire family was here at our house ("grandma and grandpa's house"). All of our kids and their significant others, all our grandchildren, and Larry's mother were all in attendance. We opened presents with vigor and frenzy, and the house was filled with joy. And I stood off in the corner and just soaked in all the love and positive energy, wishing I could bottle it and open it each time I get down. I took photo after photo in the hope of preserving the moment, never forgetting how special it was. Larry and I have four grandchildren; his son has a son (Cameron, nearly 2 years old) and his daughter has two daughters (Brooke, almost 6, and Paige, 4). And I have my son's son, Duke (18 months). For Christmas, we had asked our kids to get all the four grandkids together for a photo. Duke is "at that age" at which whenever he sees a camera, he FREAKS OUT. This Chirstmas portrait, which our kids blessed us with this year, was no exception. Duke is M-A-D about the situation and it shows in the portrait. We got such a kick out of this photo, that I decided to post it here. I hope you enjoy it as much as we do. It is precious.

I could not have gotten this far in my rigerous cancer treatments and surgeries without the love and support of each and every one of you. Thank you forever. FOREVER. I will continue to keep my blog updated and continue to thank all of you for caring enough to read it. Larry is also appreciative of all the love and support we've received throughout this journey. Special thanks to my sister Bren, for also being there for me, going the extra mile, and taking me to a couple of those four-hour treatments, sitting there with me patiently, drip by drip. Larry and I both thank you and love you, Bren, for being there for both of us.

Happiest of New Years to all of you. We wish you love, happiness, and most of all, GOOD HEALTH.

Love to all,
Deb 333333333

PS: I noticed an option on here to "turn my blogs into a book." As I mentioned at the beginning of my journey, my motivaton for creating this blog was two-fold. One was to reach as many people as possible who cared about me, about my family, and about my progress. I will ever be humbled by the number of people who extended their thoughts and prayers to us. Secondly, I wanted my blogs to be a journaling tool for me. Therefore, I think I may look into this site's option of creating a hardcover book of my blogs. If any of you would like to add comments, I would love to have them as part of this book, as a forever-reminder of how much all of you mean to me, and of how blessed my life has been BECAUSE YOU CARED.

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Christmas is almost here!

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all enjoying your families this Christmas season, and that you are all ready for the big day! Here at our house, we are eager for Christmas morning to arrive, when all our kids and grandkids will be here to celebrate. And as for me, I have a deepened appreciation for this blessed holiday, and I am so thankful that I get to be alive this year to celebrate.

All of our shopping is done and all the presents are wrapped and under the tree, waiting. My son Mark and his girlfriend Sarah were kind enough to put up and decorate our tree, a job that is too big for me even when I feel well. Our (artificial) tree is very large and usually takes a couple of days to decorate. I so deeply appreciate Mark and Sarah taking on this daunting job. And a beautiful job they did, too!

I have tried to do some baking and candy-making this season, but I tire so easily, that's been a challenge. I want to do it though, because it makes me feel somewhat "normal" to do some of the things I used to do. So far I have made, chocolate-covered peanuts, chocolate-covered cashews, chocolate toffee crunch, a few dozen cookies, and a holiday mix of white-chocolate-covered snacks which always goes over SO WELL. I'd like to make some more cookies, but I am running out of steam. I have had to do all these things (including wrapping all these presents) on days I know I will feel somewhat okay, so there's been a lot of planning involved. Larry and I are unable this year to just jump in the car and go and do as we did in previous years; our adventures have to be carefully planned around days we think I might feel up to it, and even on those days, I wear out so easily.

Now to chemo. I have one more treatment to go -- YAY!!! However, the side effects of the chemo have been so hard on me that they are thinking of foregoing my last treatment, so I may not get the last one at all. The main concern is the neuropathy (numbness) that has developed in my fingers, toes and lips. I don't mind it so much in my toes and lips, but in my hands, ugh, it's been hard having no feeling in my fingers. They have given me meds to counteract this effect, but they aren't working. For my last chemo, the 7th, they reduced by 20% the Taxol drug, in the hope that the neuropathy would not get worse. They said that if it DOES get worse over these next two weeks before my next scheduled chemo, they may not give me that last treatment at all. Of course, this scares me; I want to do all I can and be as aggressive with my treatments as possible to keep my prognosis good, and my chances of the cancer returning, less. I might rather live with permanent neuropathy than the alternative. Gulp. We'll see -- I do trust my doctors and am confident they are doing the best they can for me. I HAVE to trust them.

If I do have that last treatment, it is scheduled for Dec 29. After that, I get a break for about a month, then it's on to radiation therapy. I am told that will be anywhere from 6 to 10 weeks, five days a week. I have regretted moving out here to the country ever since we did so in 2005. I regret it even more now. The frequent drives to all my doctors (which are all back in the immediate area of where we USED to live) get old when we are driving it from way out here. All these doctors I go to, as well as the hospital, are within about five minutes of our old house. Now, they are all at least a half-hour drive, about 30 miles one way. What were we thinking???? "Farm livin' aint the life for me!" We are hoping that I will feel well enough by spring time to put this house up on the market and get ourselves back to our beloved Rochester where we belong, and where everything is so convenient and familiar.

I have sure been getting a lot of rest, that is for SURE. All I do is lie around like a slug. But I am most often so wiped out, or in pain, or both, that all I CAN do is lie around. I will be glad to be back on my feet again one day, and I hope that I still have your prayers for doing so. All your prayers have helped me more than I can say, and I am so blessed by them. I appreciate all of you so much, think of all of you all the time, and am so humbled by your interest in me. Thank you a thousand times.

Merry, Merry Christmas to all of you and to your families too. May God's blessings touch you as they have touched me.

Love to all,
Deb 33333333333

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

Hello to my dear family and friends!

It's been a long time since I've posted a blog. My apologies for that; I understand many people have been concerned as to where I've been. I am once again blessed that so many are concerned. THANK YOU!

Now to explain. Chemo's been a little rough. No, a LOT rough. The second four-hour round of chemo was worse than the first. The debilitating bone pain has now subsided for the most part (after 9 days), but the neuropathy (numbness) in my fingers has worsened. It is unknown whether the feeling will ever return to my fingers, and that has been worrisome. It is really difficult to have so little feeling in my extremities. I have been complaining to my oncologists about these side effects, and the doctors are deciding whether to weaken my dose of Taxol so it won't be so hard on me, and so that the serious and negative side effects won't be permanent. I have my pre-chemo doctor visit on Monday, the day before my next (7th) chemo treatment. I'm sure they will tell me at that time what the plan is to lessen these difficult side effects.

Up to now, I have been fortunate enough to keep my eyebrows and eyelashes, but now, they are one by one beginning to fall out. Thank goodness for eyeliner and eyebrow pencil!

I had yet another fill to my tissue expander yesterday too. The skin is now stretching so much, it is very taut and tight and very uncomfortable. But again, the object is to stretch the skin as much as possible, so that when I begin radiation, if so doing shrinks my skin, there will still be enough to reconstruct without having to harvest skin from elsewhere. (gulp)

The weather here in Michigan has turned very cold now. Yesterday it was only 16 degrees; today it reached about 20 degrees. We had our first snow earlier this week. The weatherman had predicted that we'd wake to snow, so when I got out of bed, I went to the window. Sure enough, we'd had a little snow, it was c-c-c-cold and very windy. I don't mean to sound sappy, but I have to say, as "nasty" as our weather was, for the first time, I didn't look at it as nasty. No, I literally thanked God that I got to see another season change. I sure look at things differently now.

My husband Larry continues to be such a blessing to me. He has truly been here for me every step of the way, and I know it hasn't been easy for him. If anyone has any ideas on how I can ever show him how much I appreciate his love and caring, please let me know! His compassion and his management of all my doctor appointments and insurance issues, on top of his TLC for me is something no one could ever put a price on. Larry has not been feeling well of late himself and has been battling bronchitis for a couple of weeks.

My sister Brenda took me to the last four-hour chemo treatment, and is planning to take me to the next one this coming Tuesday. This gives Larry a bit of a break, and Bren and I sit and blab the four hours away. It's so nice. I am very thankful to Bren for her constant support too; by the time Bren picks me up, then sits with me through the four-hour treatment, then we go out to lunch, and she drives me back home, it sucks up the better part of her day. I'm sure, especially at this busy time of year, she could use this time for other things. I am so appreciative of her giving up her time for me!

Where the heck is Tiger Woods? (Nancy Grace is tearing him up as I write this.)

Like everyone, we are preparing for CHRISTmas at our house. I am looking forward to it more this year than I ever have! Another blessing! With each year that the term "Merry Christmas" becomes more and more threatened, I have taken JOY in saying it every chance I get. This year, I am especially happy to say it. I feel like George Bailey -- I want to shout it from the rooftops! (I just wish I had his energy!)

Until next time, my sincere prayer is that each and every one of you reading this has a wonderful CHRISTmas and a blessed and HEALTHY New Year. And thank you ALL for all your prayers and messages of support for me as well as for Larry. We are truly grateful for all the support, without which, this journey would be so much more difficult!

Love to all and MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Debbie 33333

More Four-Hour Chemo News

... And here I thought that even though these last four chemo treatments were twice as long, I thought they'd be more tolerable since I was told there'd be no nausea with these, but rather, "some bone pain." Well, they know whereof they speak. Beginning Wedesday night, my back began to hurt, then my legs, then my hips, my arms ... every bone in my body throbbed and ached so bad that I just couldn't get any relief. Even Vicodin didn't touch it. Now it's Sunday, and while the bone pain has finally subsided to a more tolerable level, it's still there, and I still feel pretty blah. I still don't feel like doing anything except lying down all the time. I sure hate to complain, but as I've said before, this chemo business is ROUGH STUFF. And I can't help but wonder if this is the degree of pain and discomfort that bone cancer patients suffer ...

I don't sleep well either; sleep is rare. And when I do sleep, it is a very light sleep, and if I'm wakened, that's it, I'm up. Ugh.

This phase of the chemo can also cause neuropathy, a numbness and tingling in the fingertips, which could be permanent. Of course, I have that now.

I wonder if radiation will be as miserable as chemo ...

Anyway, three more chemo's to go. I am heading toward the finish line, and my veins seem to be holding up. Thank God.

At the beginning of my journey, one of my dear supporters warned me that "breast cancer is not for sissies." She was so right. And I'm starting to think that's exactly what I am -- a big ol' sissy.

Thank you everyone, for continuing to follow my blog, and for continuing to pray.

Love, Deb 3333333333

Got through the first four-hour chemo!

Hello to all of you, and thank you for reading my blogs.

Yesterday was my first four-hour chemo treatment. I didn't know what to expect, but it's behind me now, and I have only three more chemo's to go! (Then it's on to radiation treatments.)

I was pretty happy to know that these last four chemo's were not going to make me so sick. However, I could tell as my nurse was hooking me up to the IV that she had something on her mind. She began by telling me that this type of chemo could cause a "reaction." When I asked her what type of reaction, she said she didn't want to put it in my head by telling me what I might experience, but that they had to let me know a reaction could occur. So she just kept telling me that if I "felt funny," to let her know right away, that she would then stop the drip, treat the symptoms, the symptoms would subside, and the chemo could continue. I began to panic a bit: "What symptoms would you treat?" She still didn't want to tell me. Her best answer was that they were very experienced in handling these reactions when they occurred, and that they were equipped there to handle any emergency. Now I was REALLY in a panic; I am a high-anxiety patient as it is (I have probably mentioned that before!). So, tears began. The nurse said my treatment would begin with two drugs to prevent this reaction, one of which was Benedryl, and that the Benedryl would make me groggy and sleepy, which it did. So as soon as the drip started, I drifted off into a light, twilight sleep. FORTUNATELY, I did NOT have this dreaded "reaction" after the first 15 minutes, and the nurse told Larry that if I hadn't had a reaction by then, that I wouldn't have one at all. WHEW! Long story short, I slept through pretty much all of the four-hour treatment, and through most of the rest of yesterday. Apparently, had I had this "reaction," it would have been a respiratory thing -- hard to breathe, a full feeling in my ears, etc. I wish she'd just told me that from the beginning; it may have eased my stress.

They keep insisting that these last four treatments won't make me nauseous. My nausea usually starts two days after my Tuesday treatment, so while I feel pretty good today in the nausea department, I am reserving judgment for a couple of days, to see if I get sick. I hope they're right about the nausea being over with for me. With this phase of the chemo, my bones will ache (even more), but I would rather have that than the awful and long-lasting nausea.

I still feel so blessed. When I get discouraged, I have to remind myself of how far I've come. Remember when I couldn't wait to get those awful drains removed? Remember when I was incapacitated and hospitalized for a week with that threatening blood clot in my lung? Or when I had not yet even started chemo? Gosh, now my drains are LONG GONE, my blood clot is resolving, and I am more than half way through my chemo treatments. My reconstruction continues with regular fills to my tissue expander (ouch!). And while I have a LONG way to go yet, I have come a long way, too.

Thank you to EVERYONE who has cared about me and my progress. For reading my blogs, and asking about me. I am still not up to answering indivdual emails. I am SO EXHAUSTED all the time -- just wiped out. But I promise to do so just as soon as I am able. For now, it seems all I can do to make it to almost-daily doctor appointments of one type or another, and to blog every few days. And I kid you not, THIS IS HARD. But again, I praise and thank all of you who support me in every single way. As I said, from those who ask about me regularly, to those who keep up with my blogs, to those who email me and are patient with me in knowing that I can't answer all of you right now, to those of you who send cards and prayers, I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. Truly I do. I will never be able to properly thank all of you. Please know that YOU ARE KEEPING ME GOING!

Prayers please, for my sister Brenda, who will be having rotator-cuff surgery tomorrow. She has walked every step of the way with me on my difficult journey, and I wish I were well enough to be there at the hospital with her tomorrow. So I will ask you for your prayers for her -- she deserves only the best!

And hey, in spite of what our government says, you gals get those mammograms EVERY YEAR, and BEFORE AGE 50. Do those self exams (remember, that's how I found my breast cancer). Don't even get me started on this being the beginning of rationed health care. ARRRGGHHHH!!!! WHAT A DISASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until next time, I will sign off for now. I hope your tomrrow's are happy ones, and I pray that mine will be nausea-free so I can blog more often!

Love to all,
Deb
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Rough Week!

It was a rough week from this last round of chemo, that's for sure. I have always been nauseous after a chemo treatment, usually from 7-10 days. That has been the usual pattern. However, with each treatment, the nauseousnous was more severe. Today is day 9 from the last treatment, and I am finally beginning to feel a little bit less sick. But boy, it's been a tough week. (Or maybe I am just a big baby.)

On Monday of this week, I awoke with a severe bloody nose. Never had one of those in my life. I don't know where that came from, but it was definitely an issue. So it was back to the Coumadin clinic to see if they could determine the cause. Once again, another adjustment in my meds seems to have alleviated the problem. After that, it was on to the Health Department for the H1N1 vaccine. My poor old left arm, which always gets the living daylights poked out of it, was sore for a couple of days after the vaccine. I don't know if the shot added to the severity of my nauseousness or not, but I was back in bed, where I remain most of the time.

Today I had another fill in my tissue expander. 55 cc's. The last time I had a fill, it was so painful, I cried (yep, I'm a big baby). Well today, I had the nurse numb the area, and the procedure was MUCH more tolerable. From now on, numbing will be the order of the day. And I am glad that the feeling is starting to come back in my chest, even though it's only a little (but enough to feel the syringe filling my expander!).

So yep, it's been a rough week, especially since it was so hard to get out of bed to go to all the doctor appointments.

And ... chemo number 5 on Tuesday again already. These next, and final, four treatments will last four hours instead of the two hours I've been having. Sigh.

How eager I am to get back to feeling well! I see so many things around here I want to tackle. Mostly, I'd like to get rid of so many things around here, reduce some clutter, and prepare this house to sell, hopefully to go on the market in the spring. My main goal is to get back to Rochester where I belong. It is very hard being so far out here in the country, so far from my doctors and the hospital -- about 30 miles one way. That's a long ride. And even longer when you don't feel well.

My son Mark is coming home from CMU this evening. How nice it will be to have him home for the weekend. He hasn't been home since the fall semester started. It is always so nice to have him around. And of course, he'll be home next weekend too, for Thanksgiving.

Ahhh ... Thanksgiving. I have cooked Thanksgiving dinner every year since my beloved mom died in 1982. The last couple of years though, with how our family has grown, there just isn't room in our house for everyone to sit comfortably and eat together. And this year, it will be even harder for me to prepare the feast. So, as we've done for the last 2 years, we will be going out to a Thanksgiving buffet. Much easier for the whole family to sit at the same table, and no prep or cleanup for me!

Then comes Christmas. Usually, I am quite the Scrooge. But this year, my eyes have been opened to a whole new attitude. I am thankful to be here for another Christmas. So thankful, and blessed.

Larry's hanging in there. He humbly thanks everyone who remembered his service on Veteran's Day. As a Vietnam vet who saw heavy combat and doesn't like to think or talk about that experience at all, he is still graciously appreciative of those who took the time to remember his service in helping to keep us free, and thank him for it. Larry is quite a man. I am blessed by his love and care. I know my needs and my condition are not easy on him. After all, he went from having me as his companion, who did so many things with him -- traveling, motorcycling, dining out, and just enjoying the companionship of being together all the time (wherever you saw one of us, you saw the other) -- to him being my constant and exclusive caregiver, as well as houskeeper, laundry man, and cook. That is not an easy transition. Yet, he's handled it with grace and patience. Sometimes I don't know how he does it, along with all the other chores and duties that come with running a household (grocery shopping, lawn care, handy man, car maintenance, bill paying, etc.). Add to that his management of all the health insurance administrative concerns, the management and arrangement of my MANY doctor appointments (as well as taking me to each and every one of them), it's just a huge undertaking, and has to be a huge burden. I have learned so much more about love now, and have seen firsthand the true meaning behind the words of our wedding vows. No one has to tell me Larry's crown will be filled with stars.

I want to thank all my followers on here, all those who have joined my blog site and read them all, and leave comments. Again, I have heard from people who seem to have trouble leaving comments here on the blog. As far as I know, you have to look at the left side where all my specific blogs are listed by date. Click on one specifically, and scroll to the bottom, where there's an empty field labeled: "Post Comment." I think that's all you have to do to leave a comment, but I've heard that doesn't always work. Sigh. Anyway, thank you all for reading my blogs and keeping up with my progress. The progress is slow, for sure. But I have trust in my many doctors and faith in the Lord. With a team like that, I know I'm in the best hands!

Love and thanks to all,
Deb 3333333333

Sick

Sick. Just so sick.
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Sigh

Hello once again, everyone,

Well, I'm still plodding through these chemo treatments. I have four of eight behind me now, and they tell me the second four won't make me so sick. But as of now, I am SICK. I am eager for the sickness from this last round of chemo to be past me. The next four will increase in time -- they'll be four hours each instead of two hours, but if I am not nauseated, it's a good tradeoff. I am told though that these next four treatments will make my bones hurt quite badly, to the extent of needing Vicodin. Ugh. Am I ever EAGER for chemo to be a thing of the past for me. Even the thought of the word "chemo" makes me sick to my stomach.

My lovely niece's baby shower came of beautifully last Sunday. For me it was such a nice day, good to be out socially, good to see friends and family for the first time since my diagnosis. My emotions were pretty close to the surface, and it was hard to keep my tears dry each time I saw someone for the first time since my ordeal began, but it was still so nice to be out and about and not have it be to a doctor appointment. I felt pretty well that day; I was 12 days out from my previous chemo treatment, so I was having a pretty good day. But alas, another chemo treatment was at that point, only 2 more days away, and I have been down for the count ever since.

My left hand is soooooo sore from all the IVs that get poked into it with regularity. It's difficult to withstand even the tenderest touch. And my right hand/arm is still trying to recuperate from all the lymph nodes being gone. It's been a new experience trying to get by with limited use of both hands.

I continue to receive such love and support from my family and friends. This has meant more to me than God ever created words to express. Every word I can think of falls short of how thankful I am for the encouragement and love I receive. Thank you all a million times over. I am determined to get through this, but I have to repeat, this is NOT for sissies. I am not sure I will ever in my life feel normal again, but it's a small tradeoff for getting to stay alive.

So thank you everyone for all your love -- it gives me such strength. I read your cards, your comments, and your emails over and over again.

Love to all of you! Until next time,
Deb 33333333

Man oh man, chemo is rough

Hi again, sorry it's been so long since I've blogged. I'm afraid chemo is getting the better of me. I have now had three treatments of a total eight. The good news though, is that I'm told that the last four won't make me nauseous. Thank GOD. I don't know if I just have a low tolerance for the chemo, or if I'm getting an extra-strong dosage or what, but it is very hard on me. I am being extra brave by posting on here a recent photo of myself. Quite a change in appearance from the me you are all used to seeing. But I promised myself to be honest on here, and this photo is honest, to be sure. Ugh.

I get chemo every other week. On off weeks, I get reconstructive fills, which I had today. Another 50 cc's went into my tissue expander. I hate to admit it, but for the first time during a fill, I cried. It was quite painful. But again, the good news is that I guess that means some of the feeling in my chest is beginning to come back. Pretty embarrassing to cry. But maybe if I'd felt better from the chemo, I would have been stronger emotionally. I have come to realize that chemo makes me sick for anywhere from a week to 10 days after the treatment. Today was the seventh day since my last treatment, and I was still pretty down for the count.

I have so many blessings that I can't count them all. I sure had no reason to cry. Once again, I remind myself that I CAN be reconstructed, that the cancer CAN be treated successfully and that it IS survivable. Further, I have people praying for me from Missouri to Florida, from Tennessee to Arkansas, from Michigan's Upper Penninsula to right here in the Lower. Thank you to all of you for your cards, prayers and your constant support. I swear from my heart, I will thank each one of you individually just as soon as I am able. And hopefully, I will be well enough to travel and do so IN PERSON. You all mean the whole world to me. Thank you so, so much,

Larry and my sons, Mark and David, continue to bless me as well. I don't know what I would do without such a support team. They are the best. My sisters Brenda and Dee, also the best. Another blessing is that my breast cancer was not genetically driven, but rather, environmentally. Therefore, there is less chance of my beloved sisters getting this dreaded disease passed to them via some bum genetic link. Praise the Lord!

My niece, Melissa, so dear to me, is having a baby shower this weekend for her very first child! My sister Brenda will be a grandma for the first time! I am so happy for all of them. The shower will be the first event I have attended since before my mastectomy, since before my hair loss. So I am a little nervous. I have a lovely wig, but ... it is still a wig. I have also been fitted with a prosthesis to have until my reconstruction is completed sometime about a year from now. I am nervous about wearing both to the shower. But seeing my beautiful niece in the glow of her pregnancy enjoy her baby shower is something I wouldn't miss for all the world. Another blessing for which to be thankful!

Way back at the beginnings of my blogs, I believe I said I wanted to use the blogs as kind of a personal journal to chronicle my journey. Looks like I've done so again tonight. Thank you all for letting me share my thoughts, my fears, the challenges of this ordeal, and for the forum to TRY feebly to offer my humble but heartfelt thanks to so many.

I am not feeling well, as I mentioned, so I will close for now. Hopefully it won't be so long before the next blog.

Love and God's blessings,
Deb 3333333

PS: Many of you who know me are familiar with my "3s" as a signal or a sign off. But for those of you who may not be, I will explain. The 3 is a shorthand symbol representing the words, "I love you." It's a tradition I began with my boys when they were little. When in church or some other place where it was equally important to be quiet, we would squeeze each other's hands three times to convey our love. Eventually, the "3" symbol evolved into waving goodbye by waving with three fingers, or signing a note or an email with 3s. I even used to sneak a three-finger signal to my boys when on stage, kind of like the Carol Burnett ear-tug gesture. (Al, did you know I was doing that? ~smile~) And now you know "the rest of the story." All that said, 33333333333!!!!!!!!

Lovely Michigan as photographed by a dear old friend

Hello this evening,

I'm feeling somewhat better now, finally, this time 10 days following my last chemo treatment. And of course, just in time for my third chemo treatment this coming Tuesday. I gotta say, this chemo is rough for me. This whole experience is not for sissies. Put an "amen" on that.

I would like to call attention tonight to the work of a dear, old high school friend of mine, Steve Foster. Like so many of you, he is cheering me on in my journey. I had no idea Steve was so talented in the field of photography. In my last blog, dated Oct 13, Steve left a comment which included a link to his latest project, photos he took of lovely Michigan in this most beautiful fall season. He commented that he hoped the photos would cheer me. They did more than that; they warmed my heart, they aroused beautiful memories of so many of the places I'd seen myself, and gave me the motivation to get better so I could seek out the ones I hadn't. Steve, your work is magnificent and I remain more than impressed with your gorgeous photos of our state. I urge all of you who follow my blog to go to the link Steve provided in the Oct 13 blog, so that you too, can enjoy the breathtaking scenery that is our "Michigan in Fall." For those of you who live here in Michigan, you will be even more proud of our state. For those of you who are Michigan natives, but now live in other lovely states in our America, these photos will bring you back, even if only in memory. And for those of you who have never seen Michigan, Steve's work will make you want to visit us, especially in the fall, though all our seasons -- and we do enjoy all four -- are lovely, each in their own ways. And for those unfamiliar with our state, the beautiful, majestic bridge you will see is our Mackinac (pronounced Mackinaw) Bridge, a five-mile suspension bridge, aptly nicknamed "The Mighty Mac," which connects our Upper and Lower Penninsulas. Steve, your work is absolutely sublime and I will never be able to express the enjoyment your photos brought me. And I know all who read my blog and take the time to access the link to your work will enjoy your "Michigan in Fall" as much as I did. Excellent capture of our Creator's work! Thank you for sharing, Steve! What a motivational boost to me to get back on my feet, and get out there and enjoy God's divinity ASAP!

Once again, may I give a shout-out to whomever sent me the lovely pink angel figurine! She is just lovely and I wish I knew whom to thank for her!

Well, my wig hurts. I must have a big head or something, because it is on its loosest fitting (there are little straps inside that are extended to their max), and it still gives me a headache. Bah.

Bought myself some one-piece, fleece, footed pajamas today (just like the ones my little grandson wears). I figured I have lost ALL sex appeal as it is (y'all oughtta see me and the shape I'm in -- Lord have mercy!), so I may as well be warm, cozy and comfortable. Larry laughed, so I guess he's okay with it. He's pretty much seen it all now with me anyway.

Latest food craving: Raspberry sherbert (okay, okay, "s-h-e-r-b-e-t").

I have had a couple of people comment on my writing skills. Thank you for that. I appreciate your compliments! Some have even commented that I should take up writing as a profession. Actually, I already did, for years and years. My degree is in English Language with a minor in Journalism, and for all the years I held a "real job" (i.e., not music), I was in the field of writing/editing/proofreading/journalism, as were many of my former colleagues who follow this blog (which is why I try very hard to still be "on duty" when I write these blogs -- I know you guys are scrutinizing my writing just as we all were trained to do for so many years. So, how'm I doing? Is my turban too tight?). Anyway, to those of you who have complimented my writing skills without knowing of my love affair and employment with words for all these 30-some years, I thank you for letting me know "I've still got it." (Smiles and thumbs up from me here.)

Please excuse me for now, I have to go have another bowl of raspberry sherbert.

Love to all, and may God bless you -- He will give you extra blessings tonight when you view Steve's gorgeous Michigan photos!

Deb

Still no idea from whom the anonymous gift came

Hi everybody,

Well, I still have no idea from whom this lovely angel figurine came, but I am enjoying her presence as she watches over me in my living room. She is gorgeous. Thank you to ?????

Another tough day today, but not as bad as the previous few days. I have figured out, after having had only two chemo's thus far, that I am sick for about 6 days afterward. Chemo's are Tuesdays, I feel okay Wednesdays, but then from Thursday through to the following Tuesday, I am in bed sick. Today being Tuesday, I finally started feeling better, but I'm still so very tired. I also had another appointment with the plastic surgeon today for another painful fill. Another 50 cc's went into my tissue expander. So, slowly but surely, the reconstructive process continues. It is so difficult to see other women in the plastic surgeon's waiting room in the various stages of this horrible situation. Today I saw a beautiful woman come in who was obviously much newer to this process than I, as she was still moving about very weakly, still had her drainage tubes in. I remembered thinking back on when I was new to this, as she now is. And I remember looking around the waiting room back then at the other women who were obviously much further along than I in the process, and wishing I too were further along. Well, here I am a couple of months into this, yet, I still feel like a "newbee." I still feel like I have such a long road ahead, BECAUSE I DO. Yet, seeing that lady today also reminded me of how far I've come, too. I am so blessed. But it seems that just when I start to feel a little better from the chemo, it's time for a fill, and I'm in pain from that. Sigh.

I surely do wonder why there is seemingly such an increase in breast cancer! It seems it's everywhere. I was told that one in eight woman will be diagnosed, and if they are menopausal as I am, the numbers go to one in FIVE! Staggering. What are we doing to ourselves that is causing this??

I have ventured out a little bit, twice now, wearing my wig. I feel pretty self conscious, as if everyone is staring at me. The nurse at the plastic surgeon's office today complimented me on the wig though. After telling her I was wearing it, she said she didn't realize it was a wig at all. (Was she just being kind?) Donning a wig is definitely a peculiar feeling and makes me very self conscious. I still have eyebrows and lashes though, so that makes it a little easier on me. My lashes are thinning a bit now, so I think it's just a matter of time.

Still battling the clot in my lung, too. Some of my doctors say it has dissolved, other say it is still there and will take awhile to dissolve. I believe it is still there, because I feel a fluttering in that right lung when I inhale deeply. So while taking blood thinners is a hassle, I am praying they are doing their job with this added malady.

Larry is still my angel, stil waits on me, still takes such good care of me. He'll have so many stars in his crown, it will be heavy to wear, but the Lord will make sure he can hold his head high for all he's done for me in this journey. I don't know HOW people take this journey without support.

This experience surely has changed me in so many ways. I now find I am so much more sensitive to so many things. Ads for saving homeless, abused animals have always been upsetting to me, but now they make me break down and bawl. Any kind of program with any violence of any kind scares me. Political shows make me question our country's future, and THAT scares me. Dramas upset me because their writers are thinking up problems to build a show around, when there are so many real-life people with real-life problems to deal with, so why MAKE UP problems? And did you ever notice that darn-near EVERY commercial either deals with hair (of which I have none) or medicines/medical issues (of which I have plenty)? Home shopping channels are okay, but I find I spend money there, so I've had to cut back on my viewing of HSN and QVC. So I am once again down to "Andy" and "I Love Lucy." No harm there, for sure.

I continue to get cards so often, and I want you to know that truly, I SAVE EACH AND EVERY ONE, I READ THEM OVER AND OVER, and they HELP ME GET THROUGH THE TOUGH TIMES. I mean this from my heart. THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU. And now, whenever I send a card to someone, I take a moment to think of how much it might mean to someone who's struggling. I am so blessed to have so many who care. Thank you all so much. I am so humbled by your caring and your prayers.

Well, off to bed now. Because of today's fill, I have had to take a pain pill, and those make me sleepy. My love, gratitude and thanks to all of you who follow my posts on here, for caring enough about me to do so, and for being there for me, always.

Love, Deb

Anonymous gift

Hi to all,

First and foremost, I want to offer my thanks for a beautiful, and I do mean BEAUTIFUL pink angel breast cancer figurine I received in the mail today. It is absolutely gorgeous, a Thomas Kinkade collectible. I absolutely ADORE it, and it has a very special place in my living room on a lighted shelf. The problem is, I have no idea from whom it came! I wish to thank this anonymous gift-giver properly, but Larry and I looked and looked, searched the box, examined every card and piece of literature enclosed, but could find no name as to who sent this lovely and treasured gift. So if any of you out there reading this has any information, I would love to thank whomever sent this gift, and let them know I will treasure it always. THANK YOU!

Secondly, once again, chemo and the Nulasta shot that followed have me down for the count. Chemo was Tuesday, Nulasta and head-shaving were Wednesday. So I am kind of down and out physically as well as emotionally. Over and over, I keep reminding myself that the chemo is doing its job and killing any cancer that may be left. If not for that thought, it would be hard to keep going. I have been told that some people withstand the chemo easier than I have been able to. Maybe I am just a cry baby or something, but it's really taking its toll on me. I have 8 total chemo's. They tell me the first 4 are the ones that will cause this nausea, and that the last 4 WON'T. Praise God. So, I am halfway through the nausea-inducing sessions.

So on that note, I am going to have to close. Thanks to all for the compliments on my "I Hate Hair" poem. Thanks too for all the personal emails. I promise to answer them all just as soon as I am able. But for today, it's all I can do to update this blog.

Love to all,
Deb

"I Hate Hair"

Hi y'all,

It's been awhile. Chemo has been kicking my butt. And worse, the post-chemo Nulasta shot has been harder on me than the chemo itself. At first the Nulasta just made my bones ache for a bit, but the ache was very manageable. However, a whole week AFTER the Nulasta shot, I was down and out. My lower back began to throb HARD with each heartbeat. I couldn't get comfortable. And I lay awake literally all night long with tears streaming down my cheeks, watching each tick of the clock (I took my pulse a lot.) No meds I took could relieve the severe pain, no position could comfort it. It lasted exactly 24 hours and was gone, THANK GOD.

Well, time for another Nulasta shot again tomorrow. I guess I have a week before I have to go through that throbbing back pain again. Ugh. I'd better try to prepare somehow.

Anyway folks, sorry I have been under the radar -- and the weather -- for so long. I didn't know what to expect with that first chemo. And it DID make me feel really crummy. Treatments are on Tuesdays. So the first Tuesday, I felt good until Thursday, then went downhill fast. I didn't begin to lose my nausea until the following Tuesday, but then Tuesday night was when the backache set in. By the time 9 days went by after that first treatment, I was starting to feel pretty okay again. So, from day 9 to day 14, when the second treatment took place, I'd had about 5 good days under my belt to face chemo round 2, today.

And guess what. My hair started falling out in handsful today. Just gobs and gobs of it. Fortunately I kept my appointment to have it shaved tomorrow (Wednesday), and come out of there with a wig. Tonight, I am wearing a turban to bed so I don't leave these large tufts of my hair all over the pillowcases. Sniff.

Here's a poem I wrote about HAIR:

I HATE HAIR

I hate hair in the sink, hair on the floor.
Hair in my brush, hair behind the door.
I even hate my hair
in the style I wore.

I hate hair in my food,
when I lift up the bread,
did it come from the kitchen,
off that tattooed cook's head?

I hate loose hair on my clothes
and hair in my eyes,
and a hair in my MOUTH (ewww!)
makes the hair on my arms rise!

Hair in the shower drain,
a disgusting human quirk,
and when there's hair on the soap,
well, I just go berserk.

Hair in the tub,
what could be grosser,
egad, look out, there's one
floating closer!

My eyebrows need shaping
so I tweeze and I pluck,
every darn day
after 40 years, man does THAT suck!

The hairs that grow
atop my big toes,
(sigh)
I s'ppose I should do
something about those ...

On my upper lip
I wax, wax, wax,
talk about pain!
It hurts to the max!

And that one lone hair
sprouting from a used-to-be mole,
if I don't yank it out
it gets as long as a dang phone pole!

New haircuts cause me to mousse and to putz,
and needed frequent haircuts just make me nuts.
Putting Clairol on my hair makes the color deeper,
but the real color is gray, which is even creepier.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now my hair is all gone,
every flippin' strand ..................
I wish my hair were on my head
instead of in my hand.

Hair, hair, hair, it's a pain in the neck,
but now for me, cancer has stacked the deck.
Chemo has taken my every hair .............
AND NOW, HOW I WISH MY HAIR WERE THERE!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

(As I used to tell my children, "'Hate' is an awfully strong word!" Moral: Always listen to your mother, even when that mother is YOU.)

"Thank you ladies and gentleman, thank you very much."
CANCER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!

Big day tomorrow. I have to go get that dreaded shot, then we are going to pick up a new-to-Larry pickup he bought today. After that, alas, it's out to Katie's Spa for the head-shaving routine and wig fitting. I am trying to have a good attitude about it, trying to accept it, but I have a feeling there'll be some tears. I am having Larry bring the camera. As hard as it is to document this journey, I am trying. (He took pictures of me taking my chemo today.)

Today's food craving: White Castle Hamburgers. (My dad used to say you had to eat them just to kill the smell.) They tasted great, but repeated on me later. Bad idea.

I will try to keep up with new blogs as my nausea and fatigue permit. I know many of you have been asking how I am, and I DO SO appreciate that! Many others have sent emails saying the same, and of course, cards continue to pour in, all of such communications I consider prayers. With all this support, how could I EVER NOT be okay at the end of this journey? THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!

I continue to get emails from people who wish to leave a comment for me here on the blog, but don't know how. You must first click on my home page. Then, look at the list of my blogs, listed by date in a column down the left side of the page. Choose ONE to click on, and that particular blog will come up. At that time, after you have chosen a particular blog on which to comment, you can scroll to the bottom of that blog, where you will find a field that says, "Post a Comment." It is very easy. And I'd love to hear from you. You have no idea what your support does to keep me going, up, and positive. I love you all, and hope I can have one big "Celebration of Life" party for every one of you when I'm assured I have clearance to do so.

Thank you to everyone. I feel pretty good right now, but if you don't hear from me for a few days, just know that I am in a supine position someplace in this house (not yet ready for those prone positions because of some lingering chest pain, though I miss those prones -- I am a tummy sleeper!).

God's richest blessings to all my buddies on here and everywhere else. You are the BEST!

Love, Deb

Hello, "Blogee's!"

Still feeling crappy today. I dunno, seven more treatments to go. If they make me feel this crappy for this long, I'm not sure how I'll get through them. But I will keep plugging along. I am just so exhausted and headachy.

Yesterday I had four appointments: two blood draws and two doctor appointments. By the time I got to the last appointment (with the plastic surgeon), I was almost sound asleep on his exam table by the time he came in -- and he had NOT kept me waiting long at all. Anyway, at the plastic surgeon, I had another fill. These are very painful for me. As I have mentioned, I have a "tissue expander" implanted, which is regularly filled with saline until my tissue is expanded enough to eventually accept a regular implant. The more "cc's" they inject into the tissue expander through a port, the more uncomfortable for me (I had 45 cc's put in yesterday). So along with feeling the affects of the chemo, the discomfort and pain from the fill has only added to my punky feeling. I have to keep reminding myself how fortunate I am to be alive and not bellyache so much about how difficult and arduous a process this is.

I have a couple of days off now and the rest of the week will be fairly easy for me. I have only a blood draw on Thursday, and that's it for this week. Then next week, Tuesday, will be another fun chemo appointment, followed by the post-chemo shot on Wednesday.

Also, I did finally make an appointment for the "hair thing." Next Wednesday, after my post-chemo appointment, I'll be having my head shaved. Ugh. (Remember Deb: it's JUST HAIR. And it WILL grow back!)

Food cravings. I have had some of the strangest cravings. Larry, bless his heart, complies with each one. Some are not so strange, but some are. Let's see: there've been Hostess Twinkies (I just HAD to have a Hostess Twinkie. Larry bought a whole box, I ate one, and that was ENOUGH of that.) Boston Cooler. That was a pretty good one, except Larry brought home plain vanilla ice cream -- my craving said it had to be FRENCH vanilla. So we'll try that tonight and see if THAT hits the spot. Eggrolls. Go figure. But once again, Larry complied and they were m'mm, m'mm good! Chocolate. Not a particularly strange craving (especially for those of you who know me well!), but it couldn't be just ANY chocolate, it had to be Peppermint Patties, which I have never really liked before. And cucumbers! Yesterday, I was dying for a cucumber. Off Larry headed to Meijer for cucumbers, bless his heart. Then there've been the totally unexpected changes in my tastebuds. This evening, Larry had a jar of peanuts he was clawing into. I am not a nut person, and have never really had an especially strong affinity to peanuts. But man, were they good. Handful after handful, it seemed I couldn't get enough. If these cravings keep getting the better of me, the 20 pounds I've lost will come right back. Ugh.

Things here are different all the way around. My pitbull, Paisley, has become very protective of me. She's become like a shadow to me, and just wants to be with me ALL the time. It's as if she knows I am ill. She follows me everywhere, sleeps atop my feet (when I let her), and just doesn't let me out of her sight.

Sigh. I hope I will finally feel like getting out of bed tomorrow. Larry has rearranged the basement so that my three different sewing machines are in more workable locations. Hopefully I will feel up to putzing a bit down there sometime soon.

AND ... I will have baby Duke here with me tomorrow too. I won't be baby-sitting for him -- I'm just not quite up to that yet. So his daddy David will be caring for him and I'll just be sitting and enjoying my grandson. Little "Pookie-Duke" brings me so much joy. Hard to believe he's 18 months old already!

I have noted several new people following my blogs, having joined or left comments, or both. While I can't yet respond to each one of you, please know that I know you are there, you are praying, you are concerned, and you care. From my heart, I mean this, nothing touches me more or encourages me to keep going. Thank you so, so much, my friends.

Guess that's it for now. Back to "The Andy Griffith Show." I love the old sitcoms. They take me back to a time when I had no worries, they offer entertainment without my having to think, and they commit me to only a half hour at a time.

Think I'll go concoct that Boston Cooler now ...

God bless you all,
Deb

Another day, another nauseated day. Bah. I guess this is part of chemo, though I thought it would have passed by now. Is every day going to feel "ick" like this? Ugh. How I dread it if it does.

Mark came home from CMU for the weekend. So nice to have him home. His girlfriend Sarah came over and we had lasagna, though it wasn't "mom's homemade lasagna," it was Stouffer's. But it did the job and it was so nice to visit with them, even though I wasn't a very good host (I lay on the couch most of the time they were here).

The anti-nausea meds don't seem to do the trick -- or maybe they do; maybe I'd feel even worse without them.

Two doctor appointments tomorrow. Larry continues to do a phenomenal job managing everything! My many appointments, my many meds and the times at which to take them, honestly, it is a full-time job that I would not be able to do alone. This is something neither of us signed on for, but then, no one ever does. I am just so blessed that he's in this with me for the long haul. What would I do without him?

Take care everyone. I am going (back) to bed.

Deb

It's been awhile! And for many reasons.

First of all, as I mentioned, our internet was on again/off again for a few days, so that prevented me from new postings.

Then .... chemo, and BLAH. It caught up to me, and I had a hard time getting out of bed for more than a couple of days.

My first treatment was last Tuesday, and it went well. I had the luxury of having both my husband Larry AND my sister Brenda with me for that first round. I was so apprehensive, it was nice to have their support. A couple of years ago, my sister was taking part in a fund-raiser for breast cancer research, and was making gorgeous pink pearl bracelets with a breast cancer ribbon/charm attached to each. They were so lovely, I bought one for the cause. Little did I know that I would one day be a part of that cause a couple of years down the line ............. Anyway, I loved that bracelet so much that I wore it all the time. Somehow, I broke it, and thankfully didn't lose it. That bracelet means so much to me, not only because my sister made it, but now because of its added significance. Bren repaired the bracelet for me, and gave it back to me on the day of my first chemo treatment. It is so sentimental and special to me. Thank you, Bren.

The treatment went okay, and I actually didn't feel too bad afterward. It consisted of several different IV bags, which they kept changing. Then, the "big guns" came out: two very large, and I do mean LARGE syringes filled with red liquid. I gulped. These syringes were similar to ones I'd seen used on Animal Planet to tranquilize hippo's. Honest. I asked if they were going to inject those syringes straight into me; thankfully, no, they were going to inject the red liquid into my IV. Whew!

Anyway, I made it through Tuesday just fine, with no appreciable nausea. Wednesday I went back for "the shot." I don't remember the name of it, but it is given to keep my white blood cell count up and prevent infection. Now that shot HURTS. It is known for making your long bones hurt the next day, like your calf, thigh, arm, back and sternum bones. And it did what it's known for. By Thursday, not only was I totally nauseated from the chemo, but every bone in my body ached. I did take the prescribed anti-nausea drugs, which helped (well, I didn't throw up, anyway), but I was still pretty nauseated both Thursday and Friday. Today is Saturday, and though not quite as nauseated, I am still pretty wiped out and don't feel like doing much.

My hair is still attached to my scalp, but will all be gone soon (I know, I keep saying that, don't I ...). I can't control much about this illness, but what I CAN control is when my hair will be gone. I intend to have it shaved before I begin to find huge clumps of it everywhere, yet ... I can't seem to make the appointment to do so. Hey, how 'bout this: I read online someplace that some insurance companies will pay for the wig, as long as it's not called a "wig," but rather, a "cranial prosthesis." How do you like THAT one? A cranial prosthesis. My oncologist was kind enough to write the prescription, but alas, no dice with the insurance company. They're totally onto that cranial prosthesis thing, and gave us a quick thumbs down. Nice try though.

The large bruise covering the whole surgical area seems to FINALLY be resolving. THANK GOODNESS. I was beginning to worry about that, but you know me and how I obsess. I am due to go back into the plastic surgeon on Monday for another fill of the tissue expander, and he will have a look then to make sure everything's okay. He wants all my fills to be complete by the time my chemo is complete. Ugh. I believe they plan on doing about 8 fills total, give or take a couple. Not looking forward to those fills; they are very uncomfortable; painful, actually. I wonder if I will EVER feel normal again. I am beginning to have my doubts and get discouraged.

I work daily on my wall-walking exercises though, and am getting a little better use of my right arm now. I have a long way to go -- it's still pretty siezed up. But at least I can lift it over my head, if my elbow is bent a bit. As I said, the exercises are difficult and painful. But necessary, as is anything worthwhile.

The clot in my lung is still there -- I feel a bit of a flutter when I breathe. But my blood levels are where they should be, thanks to the Coumadin (blood thinners), so I think, and hope, that the clot is dissolving.

And guess what. I have lost 20 pounds now since this ordeal began. Trust me though, this was NOT the way to do it.

I will sign off for now. Time once again for the Gaither Gospel Hour on RFD TV Network, and I can't miss that! Nothing uplifts me and encourages me more than Southern Gospel Music.

Take good care, everyone. Remember too, that every single day is a blessing. And every single HEALTHY day is even MORE of a blessing. Don't take anything for granted.

Blessings to all, and thank you for your love and support. I won't ever stop needing it, nor will I ever stop appreciating it.

Deb

PS: I note that the time indicated that I post my blogs is ALWAYS WRONG. I have no idea why, but for what it's worth, this particular post was completed at 7 p.m. Saturday. Go figger.

Well, our internet is on the fritz. It's been coming and going for 2 days now. I feel like I am cut off from the world without the internet. Service person is coming out here Wednesday to try to fix it. Dang.

Chemo starts tomorrow, and I am a nervous wreck. Plus, other stresses here at home are adding to my high anxiety level. 'Nuff said on that.

Anyway, please pray for me. I am so dreading this chemo. I don't know why, because this is what is going to HELP me keep anymore cancer AWAY. I am not particularly fearful of IV's, so I am really not sure why I am so scared. Maybe the hair loss, maybe the nausea. I do hope I will continue to have your prayers as I enter this phase of my treatment. Thank you.

If our internet is in an "on-again" state, I'll let you know on tomorrow's blog how the first chemo went.

Blessings,
Deb

Wow, just when I thought I was starting to feel prettty good, today I feel crummy again. I got out and about for the first time by myself yesterday, drove for the first time, and maybe I over-did a bit. I am having quite a bit of pain today, whereas before, it had nearly subsided. Rats. Earlier today, I was putting together some small gift bags for three specific people on the Troy Beumont staff who really touched me, really helped me through. By the time I ran upstairs a couple of times for scissors and tape (home office is up there), then to the basement a few times for wrapping paper and ribbon, I think I wore myself out. Now I am back to headaches and surgical pain. It's deceiving, because when I think I feel well enough to do things, I forget that I still need to take it pretty easy. This darn tissue expander is so uncomfortable too. Although the area is numb, I still feel the edges of the tissue expander, especially reaching up under my arm. So uncomfortable. And there for several months to come. Ugh.

I hope I start feeling better before I start chemo on Tuesday. The way I feel now, I am not sure I am strong enough to throw chemo on top of already feeling so lousy. Darn it.

Then there's the worry over whether this lousy feeling is normal. Is it normal to feel crummy 6 weeks post-op? Still drained of energy, and still in a good bit of pain? I am on so many darn meds too, that I hated to throw Tylenol in on top of it. But I did, and it did no good anyway. I have been off the Vicadin for quite some time now, so I hate to go back to that again ... gosh, this recuperation, as well as the stress of the unknown ahead is proving to be quite a challenge.

I also note that a few of my breast cancer survivor sisters underwent chemo for a lot less time than I am slated for. Most of them were 4 to 6 treatments, whereas I am prescribed 8. You know me, this makes me obsess too, wondering why I have to have so many extra treatments.

I bought a couple of pink terry cloth turbans yesterday while I was out and about. I got them at Bed, Bath and Beyond, in their "Breast Cancer Awareness" section, trying to prepare for the head of hair that will soon be all gone. And I will picking up my wig soon, too. Sigh. I am hoping that once I get into the chemo routine, my stress will subside somewhat. I know I will feel ill -- they've already told me that -- but if I could be ill without the stress of the unknown, it would sure help.

The "guilties" are starting to get to me too. I feel terrible just sitting while Larry buzzes all around me cleaning and grocery shopping. Larry is out this evening for a little bit, helping his son with a car issue. So for now, it's just me and the pups. It is amazing how much comfort and companionship my dogs offer, especially the big, 70-pound pitbull. She's like having another person sitting next to me, so warm, cuddly and calming.

Guess that's it for today. Feeling pretty blah, so I'll sign off for now. Cards, emails and prayers continue to pour in. All are such a welcome comfort to me; I never get tired of hearing from so many. Thank you. How I wish I could reply to each individually, but I am blessed to have so many good wishes coming my way, that it's impossible to respond to each, at least right now. So the blogs will have to continue to suffice. Thanks to all for understanding.

God bless,
Deb

Hello family and friends,

Well, today was a pretty good day. It was the first day I drove all by myself since my ordeal began. Kinda hard backing up the car, when I have to put my right arm on the passenger seat and twist my body backward. But I made it. I actually went to Joann Fabrics, bought myself some fleece (in a breast cancer, pink ribbon print) and actually made -- and completed -- a blanket/quilt. It was difficult using my right arm at the sewing machine, but I got through it. They say the chemo lab is chilly, so I am trying to get prepared by having a special blanket ready to use. (Although, how does one really prepare for a journey like this one?) Anyway, I found a breast cancer fleece print with different breast cancer-motif squares. I bought a solid pink fleece to back it with, then machine sewed the two layers together, sewing around each square. Then jumped over to my serger and serged all around the edges. Very simple, and very cuddly. Kind of a security blanket. Right now I'll take all the security I can get; I am so nervous and so scared.

I was apprehensive not only to drive by myself, but to BE by myself. Larry worked today (he drives a bus part time for Oakand County), and was gone all day for the first time since my surgery. So I got brave. By the time I got home, then worked on the blanket though, I was exhausted. So here I sit, trying to relax and update my blog.

My sister Brenda keeps advising me to find "satisfying distractions." Good advice! So that is what I tried to do by making this blanket today. It really did help take my mind off of things a little. Thanks, Bren! I may have overdone a bit though; I'm pretty tired now. And I am VERY nervous about starting chemo. How ill will I be? Will I be courageous enough to get through all eight treatments without becoming dibilitatingly ill? Will my veins hold up? (I sure hope so ... I do NOT want that port!)

Larry continues to be my Rock of Gibralter. He has been so good to me and takes SUCH good care of me. He is quite a man, and has really shown what he's made of with this situation.

The pain is getting more manageable now, other than the painful arm exercises I have to keep doing to strengthen my right arm and stretch those muscles. Once in awhile, I get a stabbing pain in the back of my upper arm, and/or my armpit, which I believe to be from the lymph node removal. I also still have a huge bruise covering the entire surgical area. I wish that would go away; it only makes things look even worse than they already are. :(

I continue to count my many blessings every single day. All the cards, emails, blog comments, calls and overall concern have touched me beyond measure. And I KNOW that these are the things giving me strength to face what's ahead. Support is vital and so appreciated. But when it comes right down to it, no one can take this journey for me -- I must do it by myself. So I humbly thank all of you for being there to cheer me on, to uplift me, and give me strength and encouragement. I don't know how I would make it through without all of you.

I am pooping out, so I will say goodnight for now. Thank you everyone, for reading my blogs and being interested and concerned enough to do so.

God's blessings to you all,
Deb

Hello for today,

We just got home from a "chemo class," in preparation for my chemo treatments that begin on Tuesday. It will be a very demanding 4 months. Not only will we have to make the trip to Troy Beaumont for a chemo treatment every other Tuesday, but we will also have to see the doctor the day before chemo, and return to the chemo clinic the day after chemo for a shot to keep my white blood cell count up. So it's THREE trips to Beaumont Hospital every other week instead of just one. And now I am REALLY SORRY we no longer live a stone's throw away there in nearby Rochester. Living way out here in Ortonville, it's nearly a 30-mile trip one way to the hospital. What a drag.

Then there'll be the other doctor visits in between, to the plastic surgeon -- those are also every other week, and just as far away from home.

We also learned today about all the specific negative side affects of the chemo. I won't go into all of them here, but it sure doesn't sound like much fun. Thousands of women go through this same regimine each year, however. I am not the first, and unfortunately I won't be the last. They've all made it through, and so will I, even though I am sure not looking forward to it. Larry vows to drive me to each treatment, and sit through each of them with me. I am so fortunate. Like so many other spouses who are primary caregivers to their wives through this God-awful disease, Larry deserves a medal. There is a lot more to this than meets the eye.

The lady who conducted our one-on-one chemo class today, Veronica, is a recent breast cancer survivor herself. In fact, she just finished the last of her treatements (both chemo and radiation) in May. Her hair is just now beginning to come in. She was a great inspiration to me, and was able to offer a firsthand view of what I can expect. In addition, her husband is the head of oncology of the Royal Oak Beaumont facility. So she had the advantage of living with her oncologist, who could give her extra tips on how to get through the rigerous treatments, which she passed along to me. She was a great comfort, and as I said, such an inspiration.

And OH MAN, these arm exercises are extremely painful! I am not doing so well with them and should be further along. I keep trying to "walk the walls" as the exercises dictate, but I sure can't get very far up that wall yet. It just hurts ... a LOT. But I can't give up -- I do NOT want to lose full use of my right arm!

So that's it for today. I always appreciate knowing someone out there is reading these blogs. You are all my support team, and from all of you, I draw such strength. Thank you.

Love to all,

Deb

Okay, here we go!

I got my chemotherapy schedule today. Ugh, how I dread it. But, I have to keep telling myself that this is going to keep the cancer beast from returning, it's going to help me, and it's going to work to keep me safe and healthy.

The schedule is a bit different than we'd first expected. I will be going for four treatments every two weeks (instead of every three weeks as we'd first been told). Chemo will be divided into two different kinds. The first kind takes two hours per treatment, and I will go every two weeks. So, for the first half of my chemo, I will be going on Sept 22, Oct 6, Oct 20, and Nov 3, all at 10:40 a.m.

The second half of the chemo treatment is a bit stronger, will still be four treatments every two weeks, but will last four hours. (Dates for these treatments have not yet been scheduled, but they will immediately follow the first half, without breaking the every-two-weeks regemine.) Therefore, chemo will last a total of 16 weeks.

According to my pathology report, I was not "HER-II Positive," so I will NOT need the Herceptin drug for the remainder of the year as was first anticipated. That is good news, especially for my veins.

I have, at this point, chosen not to get a mediport implanted and am going to see how my veins hold up. Please pray that they stay strong. I really don't want a port. However, now that the treatments will be every two weeks instead of every three, as we'd first thought, it will be harder on my veins, with less time in between treatments for them to recover. Additionally, since I had those 19 lymph nodes removed from my right arm, I am no longer ever again able to use that arm for blood draws, blood pressure, or IV's. That gives me only my poor ol' left arm to handle the job alone. I sure hope it holds up.

So, if all goes well, it looks like all my chemo treatments will conclude around the end of December. Maybe my hair will be somewhat back by summer then!

And of course, treatments will continue with radiaion for five or six weeks on the heels of chemo. Then reconstruction ... sigh ... a lot ahead. BUT AT LEAST MY LIFE WAS SPARED!

The blood clot is still being monitored closely too, and we are praying that the blood thinners continue to do their job in keeping this life-threatening situation from getting out of hand again. I have been having to take things real easy because of this, and that's okay.

So that's today's update. Thank you all ever so much for all the prayers and the concern. I love all of you for it, and will never forget how much everyone cares. I hope I am one day able to show all of you what it has meant to me.

Till next time,
Deb

Another doctor appointment today, this time with the oncologist. We left his office very encouraged. He plugged all the information from my pathology report into his computer and "ran the numbers," so to speak. The computer came up with a graph, specific to my case, that showed my chances of successful treatment. If I do nothing more at this point except having had the surgery (no chemo, no radiation), I have a 40% chance the cancer will return. If I do have chemo and radiation, I have only a 14% chance it will return! Pretty good odds! Bring on the treatments!

They would like to begin my chemo treatments next week, but are still trying to manage this blood clot in my lung. My INR (blood) levels have been all over the place, so they would like to wait until my levels stabilize before starting the chemo. This means pretty much daily blood draws so that levels can be monitored. I have lost count of the times I've been poked and prodded. It's a wonder I have any blood left in my body.

The oncologist I saw today (a different one in that group) seems to be in disagreement with the first oncologist I saw from that office. Today's doctor seems to think I will not need the extra 7 months of Herceptin treatments. If he's right, that would be wonderful! He is going to discuss it with the first doctor and let us know.

All in all, it was a pretty good day. Each day gets a little bit better. As of now though, the doctors seem much more concerned with the blood clot than the cancer, because, to quote my oncologist today, "THE CANCER IS GONE!" Yay! So now, I'll just stay on the blood thinners to manage the clot, begin my chemo as soon as I am able, and forge ahead.

Because I need radiation as well, my reconstruction may be delayed. Radiation has a harsh affect on skin and underlying tissue and organs. The plastic surgeon may want to let me heal real well after radiation ends before he continues with reconstruction. I don't care. The most important thing is to manage the cancer and the blood clot. Cosmetic stuff can come in due time.

Now for more thank-you's. I don't know how I will EVER be able to thank all of you for caring, for following my blog, for all the gifts, cards, emails, comments on my blog, and EVERYTHING else. I can't explain how deeply all this has touched me. I honestly didn't think so many cared; all the love and prayers and support that have come my way have been so humbling, and I am so graciously thankful to all of you, each and every one. I hope you'll continue to keep me in your prayers. I have a long way to go, so don't give up on me!

Love to all,
Deb

Not much of a post today. Tired. Had a doctor appointment today, will have another tomorrow. Suddenly, all I do is go to doctors. But I am not complaining -- these are the people saving my life. But I am tired though. Going to go to bed now, where I'll continue to count my blessings as I say my prayers tonight.

God bless,
Deb

Okay, doing pretty well today, finally. We are still trying to arrive at an appropriate Coumadin level to manage my blood clot. But in the meantime, the dose has been cut back a bit, and I feel much better.

Today was the first day I was actually able to get out and about a little. Larry took me out for a ride and out to lunch. Beautiful day, and it felt so good to get out in the fresh air on this beautiful Michigan day. But I still tire very easily, so we weren't out too long.

Saw the plastic surgeon yesterday as my reconstruction process continues (they put another fill in my tissue expander ... ouch!). The nurse told me that she was unaware that I was going to need radiation as well as the chemo. She told me that as far as reconstruction goes, "radiation is not our friend." Radiation shrinks things (such as my "microscopic spot"), and can also shrink the skin we have been working to expand. The nurse scared me to death when she told me that when the time comes, if the doctor doesn't have enough skin after my radiation treatments, he will likely have to take skin from my back. Ugh, now THAT is something I would appreciate your prayers on for sure. I sure hope that my radiation therapy doesn't shrink my skin to the point where the doc has to harvest skin from elsewhere. Gulp. Radiation is a ways down the road though, and won't begin until after my chemo is complete. I have not even started chemo as yet. So I am going to try to put the possibility of skin harvesting out of my mind for right now.

I am still working on my "wall walking" exercises to strengthen my right arm. As of now, I can't yet lift my right arm above shoulder level. The therapy they've told me to do is to stand with my arm outstretched to the wall, and "walk" up the wall with my fingers as high as I can go. And each day, I should move closer to the wall. It is very hard and it hurts; my arm is really seized up. But I am not going to give up and take the chance on my arm "sticking like that" as my muscles repair themselves.

I also have quite a bit of bruising in the surgical area. That should have been gone by now, but thanks to the Coumadin, that area is very black and blue now, covering an incision that stretches to about 10 inches. Not a very pretty picture. But it's reality.

Sleep is coming a little easier now, though it's still a challenge. I am a side-sleeper, but I can't sleep on my right (mastectomy) side (still too sore). I can't sleep on my left side because gravity causes my chest to hurt. Of course, sleeping on my stomach is out of the question. So I try to arrange my pillows in such a way that I can find comfort on my back. But I often wind up in the recliner to finish out the night.

My thanks to all who read and follow my blog. I find it such a comfort to know that people care about me and my progress. I have had some people tell me they don't know how to leave a comment. To do so, you have to click on a particular blog (by date or title) listed on the left side of the main blog page. When you click on a selected blog and scroll to the bottom of it, there is a spot there for comments, if you feel so inclined.

Well, this is my favorite evening for TV, watching the RFD Network out of Branson, Missouri (I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for Branson!). The Saturday night lineup starts with the Gaither Gospel Hour, then moves on to Crooke and Chase, followed by The Marty Stuart Show (hubba, hubba), which always includes Marty's wife, Connie Smith, one of my all-time favorites and a mentor of mine. The evening lineup has begun now and I don't want to miss one note of this treasured Southern Gospel music, which is so near and dear to my heart, having been raised on this sweet music. And if I may mention here, the honor I possess in not only knowing, but having worked for Al Brumley and family, one of my most cherished accomplishments. As I was rolled into the operating room, my heart and head were singing a classic Brumley gospel song, "Jesus Hold My Hand." And He did. Thank you, Lord!

Thank you all for your prayers. I feel so much better than I have been feeling for the past week, when I was beginning to have doubts as to whether I would EVER feel good again in my life. Your prayers and mine are being answered. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

God bless,
Deb