Wow, just when I thought I was starting to feel prettty good, today I feel crummy again. I got out and about for the first time by myself yesterday, drove for the first time, and maybe I over-did a bit. I am having quite a bit of pain today, whereas before, it had nearly subsided. Rats. Earlier today, I was putting together some small gift bags for three specific people on the Troy Beumont staff who really touched me, really helped me through. By the time I ran upstairs a couple of times for scissors and tape (home office is up there), then to the basement a few times for wrapping paper and ribbon, I think I wore myself out. Now I am back to headaches and surgical pain. It's deceiving, because when I think I feel well enough to do things, I forget that I still need to take it pretty easy. This darn tissue expander is so uncomfortable too. Although the area is numb, I still feel the edges of the tissue expander, especially reaching up under my arm. So uncomfortable. And there for several months to come. Ugh.

I hope I start feeling better before I start chemo on Tuesday. The way I feel now, I am not sure I am strong enough to throw chemo on top of already feeling so lousy. Darn it.

Then there's the worry over whether this lousy feeling is normal. Is it normal to feel crummy 6 weeks post-op? Still drained of energy, and still in a good bit of pain? I am on so many darn meds too, that I hated to throw Tylenol in on top of it. But I did, and it did no good anyway. I have been off the Vicadin for quite some time now, so I hate to go back to that again ... gosh, this recuperation, as well as the stress of the unknown ahead is proving to be quite a challenge.

I also note that a few of my breast cancer survivor sisters underwent chemo for a lot less time than I am slated for. Most of them were 4 to 6 treatments, whereas I am prescribed 8. You know me, this makes me obsess too, wondering why I have to have so many extra treatments.

I bought a couple of pink terry cloth turbans yesterday while I was out and about. I got them at Bed, Bath and Beyond, in their "Breast Cancer Awareness" section, trying to prepare for the head of hair that will soon be all gone. And I will picking up my wig soon, too. Sigh. I am hoping that once I get into the chemo routine, my stress will subside somewhat. I know I will feel ill -- they've already told me that -- but if I could be ill without the stress of the unknown, it would sure help.

The "guilties" are starting to get to me too. I feel terrible just sitting while Larry buzzes all around me cleaning and grocery shopping. Larry is out this evening for a little bit, helping his son with a car issue. So for now, it's just me and the pups. It is amazing how much comfort and companionship my dogs offer, especially the big, 70-pound pitbull. She's like having another person sitting next to me, so warm, cuddly and calming.

Guess that's it for today. Feeling pretty blah, so I'll sign off for now. Cards, emails and prayers continue to pour in. All are such a welcome comfort to me; I never get tired of hearing from so many. Thank you. How I wish I could reply to each individually, but I am blessed to have so many good wishes coming my way, that it's impossible to respond to each, at least right now. So the blogs will have to continue to suffice. Thanks to all for understanding.

God bless,
Deb