Recovering Nicely!

Hello there,

Larry's pacemaker surgery went very well yesterday and he is recovering nicely! He did GREAT, and today, you'd never know he went through anything, other than the bandage on his chest! I am so proud of him! And we are both very grateful for all your prayers!

Love to all,
Deb

And here's the latest!

Hi all,

Once again, I'd like to ask for your prayers and thoughts for us. Tomorrow, my Larry goes into the hospital for a brand-new pacemaker. The heart doctor anticipates no problems and expects that all will go very routinely. It is an out-patient procedure, and should take only about an hour. But your prayers are still so appreciated, so thank you in advance! Larry means everything to me, and I just want him to be, and remain, WELL!

Meanwhile, I got a good report from my plastic surgeon today. He thinks I will need only one more reconstructive surgery instead of two. I am healing nicely, and all restrictions for my activities have been lifted -- that is, except for the limitations place on me by my fractured foot!

So thank you everyone, for everything! For continuing to pray, to think of us, and to always be supporting us! This last year-and-a-half has been a bit rocky, but things are looking up for us now!

Love to all,
Deb 33333333

Uh oh ... more prayers, please!

Well hello, it's me again, asking for more prayers, but at least it's not life or death this time.

Last week, I found that the pain I'd been experiencing in my left shoulder was the result of some torn tendons. Ugh. Then today, I found out that the pain I've been experiencing in my left foot is because the darn thing is broken in two places! Who knows how I did it, but somehow, I did. Geeze.

Also, my Larry is having a new pacemaker implanted on Tuesday, Sept 21. Big-time prayers for us that day!

I'll keep you all posted as to our progress around here! I'll bet you're not surprised to learn that our medical deductible was met in full last APRIL!

Love and thanks to all,
Deb

Reconstructive Surgery Done!

I'm Baaaack!

I am pretty hacked up, but I am here! Whew, that "latissimus flap" surgery was NO picnic! I feel like a stabbing victim; I have pretty large incisions all over the place, I think there are 5 or 6 in all. But my surgery seems to have been a success and the transferred skin seems to be "taking." THANK GOD! I am still very sore, and I still have a drain in (two weeks post surgery now) to drain blood and other fluids. I am soooo eager to get this drain OUT!

Overall though, I seem to be recovering pretty well. I still can't do a whole lot and still have to take it easy, espeically because the output in my drain is still very high. So, I rest a lot, as I have for pretty much the last year.

Larry remains my angel and has the patience of a saint. He takes excellent care of me, and I am sooooo blessed. The Lord knew what He was doing when He put Larry in my path! A heartfelt, loving thank you goes out to Larry, the best husband in the world!

I want to thank all of you for the cards and messages. After all this time, I still get them from you guys, and trust me when I say that I just can't express what those well-wishes mean to me. Thank you ever so much, from my heart.

Getting tired now, so I'll sign off. I just wanted to thank you all for keeping me going throughout this challenging journey! My road would have been a LOT tougher without all this support!

Love to all,
Deb 333333333333

Winding Down

Well hello everyone,

You may or may not have noticed I am winding down on my blog entries. As I said before, one reason is because I have kind of moved over to Facebook and put small entries regarding my condition on there every now and then, as well as other bits of info. But, you all have been with me for an entire year now, do you believe it? Yes, my mastectomy was Aug 6, 2009; and here we are an entire YEAR later! It's gone slow, but fast too, if that makes any sense.

I am scheduled for my reconstructive surgery this Thursday, Aug 12. It is not going to be an easy surgery. The doctor tells me it will be very much like another mastectomy in terms of pain and recovery (4-6 weeks). But I will get through it, and that is largely due to your thoughts, prayers, encouragement and love, all of which have given me more strength than I can express.

There've been some unexpected bumps along my journey. A year ago, when doctors implanted a "tissue expander" at the time of my mastectomy, its purpose was to stretch the skin I'd lost, so that there would be enough skin to cover an eventual implant when reconstruction took place. However, at the time of my mastectomy, they did not know that I would need radiation. Radiation shrinks the skin, and sure enough, that's what happened to me. So although I went through weeks and months of "fills" in my expander to stretch the skin, radiation virtually undid any progress made in stretching. Therefore, my reconstructive surgery will be the "latissimus flap" procedure. Yikes! The plastic surgeon will make an incision in my back at the bra line. He'll leave the skin connected because it needs a blood supply. He will then "tunnel" through, and pull that skin out another incision in the front, and stretch that skin over an implant. OUCH! And of course, the doctor will remove this God-awful tissue expander that's been in there for a whole year, replacing it with the implant. The expander is hard to the touch, and even harder now, since my skin has shrunk around it. That has made it even more painful and uncomfortable, so as frightened as I am of my upcoming surgery, I am just as happy that the expander will be HISTORY!

I am so blessed to have a spouse, my Larry, who has been by my side and never faltered in my care this entire time. He remains my angel. And he is prepared to continue to care for me throughout the journey of this next surgery too. I thank God for him. I also thank God for all of my family and friends, who have cheered me on along this difficult road! How will I ever be able to thank all of you??? Please know that I remember all of you in my prayers every night, and I don't take for granted the blessings you all have bestowed upon me in being there for me. THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES!

I don't know when I'll be back on here again. As I said, if this upcoming surgery is like the mastectomy, as I have been told, it will be hard to use my right hand again (and just when I was getting used to the "new normal" of its limited mobility and its numbness!). But as soon as I am able, I will inform all of you of my progress and recovery. In the meantime, I thank all of you in advance for your prayers and well-wishes, and for your loyalty in guiding me down this road. I love you all.

Love, Deb 33333333

Hangin' in There

Hello to all!

I am feeling rather guilty for not posting as much here on my blog of late. As I mentioned before, I am posting more these days on Facebook than here. So if any of you are still keeping up with my blog here, and haven't seen anything from me in awhile, you might check my Facebook page when you do a search for Debbie Brady Brueckman.

Now to Larry. PRAISE GOD, he is fine after having had 8 inches of his colon removed a couple of weeks ago! There was no cancer, and since they did the surgery lapriscopically, his recovery was much quicker! He is doing great! Thank you one and all for your prayers and your concern!

As for me, I am gearing up for my next surgery, and it will be the "big" one I had hoped to avoid. I will be having the latisimus flap surgery on Aug 12, performed by my plastic surgeon as my reconstruction. It has been a year now since my diagnosis -- can you believe that?? And since my radical mastectomy of Aug 6, 2009, I have had a tissue expander implanted in the void in my chest. For the first many months after my mastectomy, I would receive saline "fills" in the tissue expander, in the hope of stretching my skin enough to eventually cover an implant. Unfortunately, radiation un-did everything the tissue expander did, and shrunk my skin. Now the tissue expander is still in there, but all the more uncomfortable, since my skin is so very tight and taut over it. It is quite painful. Since my skin shrunk, I am now going to have to have the surgery I had so dreaded: the latisumus flap surgery, where skin will be taken from my back and moved to the front to cover the implant. My plastic surgeon explained it this way: He will make an incision in my back at the bra line, then "tunnel through" to the front, and pull the skin from my back through an incision in the front, then stretch it over an implant. Ugh. He says it is on par with another mastectomy, pain-wise and recovery-wise, so I am bracing myself. And I will need some more prayers, please. My recovery time will be 4 to 6 weeks, but I will be sooooo very glad to get this tissue expander OUT of here! It is like a rock in my chest, it does not move as a natural breast does, and it is very hard to the touch.

So that's the update for now. As I said, please check out my updates over on Facebook if there aren't as many updates here on my blog. I so appreciate those of you still hanging with me on here, still caring and still praying! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. As I said, I can't believe it's been a whole year now, and I can't believe even yet that this happened to me. But I have come a long way in this year, and that has been in large part from the support of all of you! Thank you!

Love, Deb 333333333

I'm Still Here!

Hi everyone,

Well, it's been a long, long time since I've blogged. I guess as my recovery progresses, there is less to report. Also, I have now reactivated my Facebook account, so I do write some on there.

As I said, my recovery is progressing, though I still have a ways to go here. I am now taking Arimidex, which I'll be on daily for five years, to try to keep the cancer from returning. But boy, are there ever side effects from this drug! I ache all over (which scares me, of course, because I don't know if I have another problem brewing, or if it's this Arimidex), I am very, very fatigued and rest a lot, still spend a good amount of time in bed. Bah. But I am progressing.

I am scheduled for reconstructive surgery on Aug 12. I can't WAIT to get this tissue expander OUT of here! It is so very uncomfortable and so hard to the touch.

My husband Larry is now experiencing some health issues as well. He is scheduled for colon surgery on June 18. They will remove part of his colon to prevent cancer in that area. Prayers please! He is the love of my life, and I don't want him to have ANY health issues. He has been my biggest supporter throughout my breast cancer experience, which has made me love him all the more. He has done EVERYTHING around the house, inside and out, as well as care for me (and I probably wore him out). I hope and pray that I will be able to take as good a care of him as he has me. I would take on ANY health issue if it would prevent Larry from having to go through any health issues himself. He is a wonderful man and I ask for prayers that he will be okay. He deserves a good, healthy, happy life!

I know that Larry and I have both been "under the radar" for awhile, and I think in being so, we have offended some people. I pray for understanding that we are doing the best we can, just trying to get by. We hope that we will be given time to just get all this health stuff under control. If we can just get better, we'll be back to going and doing, just as we used to. But until then, we just need time and space to deal with these health issues. It's been a long time, I know, since we've been ourselves, and since we've been out and about. Unfortunately, our maladies here have tied us down quite a bit, and thus, some of our friendships have been compromised. But with time, and especially with God's grace, we will be back to ourselves, hopefully by Christmas.

Love to all,
Deb

Chemo Brain gets me in Trouble!

Warning: Language contained in this blog may be offensive to some!

Hello everyone!

Well, I have been starting to feel a little better. Still really weak, but better. I have even begun to get back in the kitchen a little bit, which nearly always gets me into trouble. I have never been known for my cooking skills. But I thought a new pressure cooker would get me in the mood, as well as make things easier and faster in the kitchen (not my favorite room in the house).

The new electronic pressure cooker from HSN arrived, and I started right in. Larry was observing. I was telling Larry that I was going to make a recipe that was shown during the pressure cooker's demonstration on HSN: chicken breasts with salsa. I told Larry, as I was preparing the meal, that the gal on the HSN demo put in "cock hard" chicken breasts, and that they were done cooking in a matter of about 15 minutes. Larry listened and watched. "Can you believe it?" I said. "Cock hard!" The pressure cooker began to do its thing, and sure enough, those frozen chicken breasts were cooked through in 15 minutes. We ate. It was good. And I repeated again: "I just can't believe these things cooked in just 15 minutes, when they started off cock hard!" Finally, Larry (who'd been giving me funny looks all the while, which I thought were because of his amazement with the pressure cooker) said to me, "Do you even realize what you're saying? Why do you keep saying that? That's awful!" I didn't understand. Finally, Larry realized that I really and truly didn't realize I was saying anything offensive. He asked me if I had been meaning to say "ROCK HARD." Oh my gosh, was I ever embarrassed! Yes, I had meant ROCK hard! Oh my heavens!!! I guess my chemo brain had been mixing up the thought of a rooster with the frozen chicken breasts. OH DEAR!

I have had many instances of "chemo brain" since my breast cancer journey began. For example, last week, I said I thought I'd wear my "snake skin" pajamas to bed. Where that came from, I have no idea. Trust me, I do not OWN a pair of snake sking pajamas!

Moral of the story:
Yes, there IS such a thing as "chemo brain." For real, folks. For real.

My Life Passed Before My Eyes Today

Wow, what a sobering experience I had today, when I literally saw my entire life pass before my eyes!! It was a profound and humbling experience. And it all happened during an everyday ride in the car, as Larry and I took a drive this evening. A near-death occurance doesn't have to be sudden to have such an experience, either. Any ol' near-death occurance will do, such as the one I've had.

And so, our evening drive began.

The 1950s. Today, my Uncle Fred Blevins sent to me the most wonderful family photo from the 1950s, which I viewed just prior to Larry and I taking an evening drive. Although the photo was taken about three years before I was born, it was taken at a place I remember so well from when I was a small girl: Grandpa and Grandma Blevins' "Crooks Road house." It was a lovely and whimsical place, where there were nothing but good family memories for me. The singing, the music, the laughter... they never seemed to end there, and when we visited there, I never wanted to leave. My beloved, departed mom was pictured there with her siblings and their wives. Some of those pictured have gone on, and I'll always miss them.

The 1960s. While on our drive this evening, Larry and I saw an old, '60s pop-up tent camper for sale on the side of the road. As some of you may or may not know, my parents' livlihood was sustained by the ownership of a trailer business, and they sold or rented everything from utility trailers, to RVs (including pop-ups), to mobile offices. As I looked at that old pop-up, I recalled a time when my parents had three or four of these units fully open and unfolded, on display on the lot. This old tent camper reminded me of a 1960s day a storm began to blow up. Dad called upstairs (to where we lived, above the business) to mom, asking her to come help him fold up these tent campers to prevent storm damage. Mom complied, wearing her full, '60s-style skirt. Dad said, "Ruth, you take the mattresses out, and I'll start folding up the campers!" I watched the windswept events unfold from our upstairs window, having been admonished to stay inside, out of the impending storm. And then the fun began. Mom grabbed a mattress, and the wind grabbed mom. And she would NOT let go. The next thing I saw was mom rolling with that mattress down John R, with her skirt over her head! They rolled and rolled: mom/the mattress, mom/the mattress, mom/the mattress ... Dad began chase, doing all he could to rescue mom, but he was no match against the mattress, which was more like a kite in that wind. AND MOM WOULD NOT LET GO. When mom and the mattress finally came to rest nearly a block down John R, her skirt remained over her head as she tried to fight her way out from under that skirt. Dad had by now caught up to the both of them, and tried to help mom up off the sidewalk, but she was sooooo angry that all she did was swing at dad. Dad was laughing, which served only to make her madder. Adding insult to injury (and it was only mom's dignity that was injured), the patrons of the barber shop across the street were applauding. Oh my goodness, it is a scene I never forgot, and one which brought us all years of laughter thereafter. Mom was always able to laugh at herself, once her pride was restored, and this was one of her most admirable qualities.

The 1970s. Once again, I attribute today's 1970s memories to Uncle Fred's having sent me some photos he had of ME from my high school days. These photos were fresh in my mind when Larry and I took our drive, as I had just shared them with Larry. In one of the shots, I was playing my beloved bass fiddle, which I continued to enjoy playing bluegrass music on for years and years thereafter. In two other photos, I was in my drum majorette uniform. My hair was long and straight, thick, and reached the middle of my back. I was very trim in those days, and very healthy (and I took all that hair and all that youthful health for granted!). And when those photos were taken, I had not a clue as to the twists and turns my life had in store for me in the decades to come. (I posted one of those majorette photos here; can you believe that's me??)

The 1980s. As Larry and I drove along, we passed the farm that my cousin Kathy and her husband of 30+ years lived in not long after they married. How could that much time have passed?? Their old Hurd Road farm is not far from where Larry and I live now, and is in fact on the very same road, but in a direction of our road we rarely travel. So, when we passed their old farm, I recognized it, and more memories came flooding back! Kathy and Fred had a water bed in that vintage farmhouse, and the kids LOVED playing on that bed -- back when my kids were so little, all those years ago. Sigh. Yes, I was blessed by the birth of both my sons this decade ........... I lost mom in this decade as well -- she never lived to see me have children -- and after losing her, my life was never the same. I learned in this decade that life is not always as carefree and happy as mom had made it for me all those years prior. What a wakeup call it was.

The 1990s. As we passed Kathy and Fred's old farm, Larry, who became my blessed husband late in this decade, turned on the stereo. In the CD player, he had one of my first CDs, the one I recorded in Branson in 1993. More memories rushed my brain. Bittersweet memories of when I was singing in Branson, commuting back and forth from Michigan to Branson, and wishing I'd never followed that dream in the first place, even though my Branson vocal experiences are among my most cherished and fondest. So bittersweet. I missed my boys so much during that time. (Be careful what you dream.)

The 2000s. By now, Larry and I were on our way back home. As we pulled into the driveway of our house, and I looked at the For Sale sign out front, more memories came to me. Thoughts of how much I had wanted our house, this "house of my dreams." But alas, we hadn't been here a month until the neighbors to our front built a huge pole barn in front of our house, and my dream house became a nightmare. This act of rude inconsideration was one I never got over, and is one I have thought about and been saddened by every single day since the pole barn was erected in 2005......... It was in this house that I learned I had stage 3 breast cancer (gulp), and in this house that I continue to recover from same. And it was early in this decade that I lost my dad to the cruel ravages of Alzheimer's. And late in this decade that my beloved grandson, Duke, was born! You know what they say, "Life is like a battery: you have to have both negative and positive in order for stuff to work."

The 2010s. And now, we begin a new decade. I could feel myself emerge from this experience of my life flashing before my eyes within the span of one short drive, as I wondered what this decade, as yet in its infancy, will bring for my family and me. I know what it has brought so far. It has brought me health problems that have threatened my life. And while my illness has frightened me beyond measure, it has also taught me many things. So many things, that if the remainder of this decade marches forward uneventfully, I will still have learned enough in this first year of the 2010s to fill a whole decade. I learned the value of love and support, as I experienced how many people love and care about me, and send up prayers for me and my recovery. I learned how grateful and thankful for my loved ones I am, and that means ALL of you. I learned that I love life more than I ever realized I did, now that I am fighting so hard to hang onto it. I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I learned that my breast cancer walk with the Lord has given me strength and insight. And most of all, I experienced the integrity of my wedding vows. I have felt, and continue to feel, the true meaning of "to love and to cherish, till death do us part," because this is how I feel about my husband -- a whole new facet and depth of my love for him. And I experienced the "in sickness and in health" promise made to me by my beloved, one that he never broke during the worst experience of our lives together. He has stood by me and taken care of me when I know I couldn't have taken care of myself. And from this example, I learned that life could not be better! How blessed I am!

I was silent throughout our drive this evening, reflecting on the life and memories I cherish. Can you just imagine? Over a HALF A CENTURY passed before me in just the short span of an evening drive!

Lessons and memories. These are what life is made of. Our appreciation and recognition of these treasures are what make us who we are, the good and the bad. Did you ever stop to think that something good almost always seems to come out of something bad? I have learned to try not to focus on what I've lost, but rather, what I have left.

Please everyone, appreciate your life. No matter what it brings you, the good or the bad. Because it's too short to spend time lamenting. The more time we take to lament, the less time we have to appreciate what life really is.

My love and most gracious thanks to you all.

Love and God bless,
Deb 33333333333

Saw the Plastic Surgeon

Hello to all,

Okay, here's the update. I saw the plastic surgeon (PS) earlier this week. The news regarding my reconstruction was not really what I wanted to hear, but remembering back on my main goal when this horrible journey began for me, which was to STAY ALIVE, I guess I can't complain.

The PS told me that my skin is very hardened and “woody” from the effects of radiation, and that if he had to decide today whether to do the conventional implant or the flap surgery, he’d have to go with the flap. As I have mentioned before, the flap surgery is quite painful and scares me so much. I was wrong however, in how I had explained the flap surgery before. I had originally thought that there would be skin harvested from my back and fat sucked from my belly to form a new breast. Nope. It seems that with either option, I will get an implant, and my belly fat will be left alone (oh good, I LOVE that fat!). The question is, did the radiation therapy remove my skin’s elasticity to the point of it reversing the effects of all the skin stretching and expanding that the PS had done with this tissue expander? It appears so. The PS said it’s still a bit too early to tell if my skin will regain any of its suppleness, and that over the next couple of months (until my next appointment with the PS in June), I can try softening the skin by regular massage and application of creams and cocoa butters/moisturizers. If I do that, I might have a slim chance of foregoing the flap surgery and having just an implant. If the skin remains hard and leathery however, then he will stretch skin around from my back to my front, to cover an implant. Recovery time for an implant: a couple of weeks; time in the hospital: outpatient. Recovery time for flap surgery: four to five weeks; time in the hospital: a couple of days. Also with the flap surgery, pain is on par with the mastectomy, and I will once again have my “friends,” those God-awful drains for a few weeks afterward. Further, after my mastectomy, I developed a life-threatening blood clot in my lung, as a result of the surgery. I now worry that the same thing will happen to me again if I have the flap surgery. Dear Lord. What a threat, what a scare.

I asked the PS about my ongoing “stage 3” fear. He told me what every other doctor has told me. There is no way of knowing what our future holds, and I can either go through life marching forward, or go through life looking backward, waiting for the footsteps behind me to grab me in the darkness. Well you know me, the glass is always half empty and I am a pessimist. Bah. So I left there in tears, and have been crying on and off ever since. I am so, so scared even now. And I wonder if I am trying to fool myself by distracting myself with thoughts and dreams of moving out of this house I dislike so much, and into that one I love so much. Is it all for naught? Should I even be entertaining thoughts of a future of any kind?

Larry, bless his heart, has said that if I want to do nothing surgically (other than take the tissue expander out and be done with it all), that’s fine with him. He would never have me go through all this pain for HIM. God bless him for that! I am blessed by the freedom he gives me in letting this be totally my choice. But I do want to feel whole again, for me. We went to Wendy’s for a burger after my PS appointment and I looked out the window at this lovely tree that was in full bloom. I first thanked God for letting me see the beauty and wonder of His work. But then I stopped to think of what made this particular tree so pretty. It was the symmetry of it. It was shaped the same all around. Balanced. That’s what I want to be again. Balanced. With symmetry. I want to feel as normal as I can once again. But ... doesn't everyone in my situation? And once again, breast or no breast, reconstruction or no reconstruction, I AM ALIVE, for now, at least. For how long, I don't know. But then again, no one does, I guess.

So, as you can probably tell, I'm a little down. Trying to go forward and put my life back together after an experience like this is NOT easy.

My surgery, which ever kind I get, is scheduled for August 12. I hope you will all keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I will go to the plastic surgeon in June, at which time, he should be able to tell me which procedure will be best for me. In the meantime, I am applying creams and lotions like it's 1999! If I can get this skin all soft and supple again, maybe I won't have to have the flap surgery after all! Fingers crossed!

Thank you to everyone again for hanging in there with me. Please keep praying for me. I have come a long way, but still have a ways to go, and have come to depend on your prayers and support! Oh, and the consensus on the gray hair seems to be pretty positive. Thanks! Maybe I won't have to visit the Clairol aisle after all!

Love,

Deb 3333333

THE NEW ME!

Hello family and loved ones!

Well, as you can see by the new photo I posted here, a "new me" is slowly emerging. It's been a long, TOUGH road and a process I would not wish on my worst enemy. But slowly, I am getting there. I am still quite weak, still move pretty slowly, and I sometimes walk with my big, tall walking stick. But I am doing much better.

As I have mentioned before, my hair is coming back in, snow white, or, I guess more a gray color. It is still very, very short and close to my head, but it's definitely coming back. I can't say it's coming back in a different color than it was, because actually, I think this gray WAS the natural color; I just didn't know it because I kept it dyed a dark blonde all the time. Anyway, I will probably let it grow out this color and see how I like it. In the meantime, I am sporting this new wig that you see in the photo. My real hair had begun to show below my wig, so I bought a new wig that is the color of my natural hair. And as you can see, my real hair is indeed poking through around my ears under this wig too. But with the new wig being the same color as my real hair, it's a more natural look. Dunno if I'll be able to get used to the look of this new GRAY me or not; time will tell.

Feedback anyone?

The awful weight gain is "weighing" heavily on my mind. Further, my oncologist, whom I saw a couple of days ago, said that the Arimidex (hormone inhibitor) I have now started (and will take for five years) causes weight gain! Man oh man, I just can't win here. But at least I am alive!

I am so enjoying the new growth all around us here! Everything is turning green, blooms are on the trees, and the air smells SOOOO GOOD!!! I love all the new life around me, and have a whole new appreciation for EVERYTHING. Sometimes it makes me shed a tear to know that I am here to see another season begin.

Our house is now officially for sale. We have been working very, very hard to spruce this one up and get it ready to show. It has been a lot of work, and we have gotten rid of literally truck loads of things. This has really made me tired, but it has taken my mind off of the bad things, and allowed me to think of positive things, like the desire to move! No showings yet; please pray that we can sell this house before the one we would like to buy is sold to someone else.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who keep up with my blogs and have stood by my side throughout this terrible journey. I know it sounds so cliche, but I truly have benefitted from the support of all of you, and to know I was in the thoughts and prayers of so many has really gotten me through some very tough times. Please continue to pray for me, as I have a ways to go yet. I will see the plastic surgeon on Monday. Hopefully, he will tell me when the time will be right for him to complete my reconstruction!

Love to all,
Deb

PS: Sister Dee, are you getting my emails?
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Feeling Better

Hello everyone,

Well, as you can see, I have changed out my photo from the one showing my FIVE-ALARM radiation burn, to one that shows a much more pain-free me. I got many comments on my radiation photo, and I apologize for alarming you. Yes, it was painful, but that is part of this process, this ordeal. I am using my blog not only to communicate with all of you who care so much, but also as a personal journal of this process. So I am trying to show all the ups and downs of what this journey has entailed. WHEW!

In this new photo, I am still wearing my trusty wig, which is the color my hair was pre-"Big-C." But underneath this wig is a snow-white, new crop of hair that's coming in at what Larry says is, "a pretty good clip." Groannnnnn!

So, as you can see, I am feeling a little better, and I hope this eases the minds of those of you whom I had concerned with that last photo of the radiation burn. As you can also see, and as I have mentioned a time or two, I have gained 30(!) pounds! No one told me that the chemo treatments I'd be getting were full of steroids! Doctors have only recently told me that a weight gain was expected. I just hope I can get it back off again! Now that the weather is getting nicer, and I am feeling a bit better, perhaps I can do some walking.

I still tire very easily, I'm still pretty weak, and I can't do as much as I could before all this started. But gradually, my strength is returning, and I am spending less time in bed. Thank goodness, because I am getting tired of lying in this bed, getting up only to go to doctor appointments!

Next on the docket is the completion of the reconstructive process. My plastic surgeon tells me I have to wait for three to four months after radiation is complete, to let the skin and underlying tissue heal before he performs the surgeries necessary to reconstruct the breast. So now, I have some "time off" from so many doctor appointments each week.

I did recently see two of the doctors on my team (two different appointments). One was my lymphedema doctor, and the other my medical oncologist. Both told me they expect me to "be fine," and be a long-term survivor. Praise God, because this is a bit different than I HAD been told previously. I am now on Arimidex, a hormone inhibitor, which will hopefully block the hormones that drove the cancer to begin with. I will be on the Armimdex daily for five years. If during that time the cancer does not return, I will be considered to have been cured. So keep praying! And I humbly thank all of you for the prayers you have sent my way already. PRAYER WORKS!

So until next time, Larry and I would both like to wish all of you a most blessed Easter. PRAISE GOD, THE LORD IS RISEN!

Love to all,
Deb 33333333333

Whew! Radiation is Complete Alright ...

... and now I am really "feeling the burn!" The doctor said that even though my radiation treatments are complete, my skin will probably continue to blister and burn for a few more days. I am in a lot of pain. Doc gave me soaks and "cool pads" to put on, and Vicoden to take orally, but these things don't help much. Still though, if all this pain, all the sickness, and all the surgeries keep this cancer monster from EVER returning to terrorize my body, IT IS ALL WORTH IT!!! I attached a photo of my under-arm area so that you could see why I am STILL having problems using my right arm. I thought once I got well past the surgery, my arm would be more useable. But having lost so many lymph nodes on that side made it difficult. And now, as you can see by the photo, I am still having trouble using my arm. But once I finally get this under control, you'll be hearing from me personally!

Love to all, still and always,
Deb 333333333333

YAY!! RADIATION IS COMPLETE!!

My treatments are officially done! Oh my gosh, I never thought I would get here, but here I am! Six weeks of radiation, five days a week, 30 treatments, and I am done! Yippee! Now mind you, it is not without pain. True enough, radiation didn't make me sick like chemo did, but lemme tell ya, I am BURNED pretty badly across my chest and most significantly under my arm. My skin is badly blistered and a very deep red. Under my arm, it's beyond red and is a black color. The doctor gave me ointments, soaks, cool packs and the like to put on the burned areas, and these things help. But it is still quite painful. BUT COMPLAINING, I AM NOT! I guess I am now considered to be cancer free! I hope this is true, and most of all, I hope this horrible beast never returns to threaten my life again.

In the radiology oncology office hangs a very large marine bell. On it is engraved, "THIS BELL RINGS FOR ALL WHO HAVE WALKED THIS PATH." And along the bottom of the bell is engraved: "Courage, Hope, Triumph, Strength, Faith, Love." On the last day of treatment, patients celebrate by ringing this bell, and it is LOUD. So today, I got to ring the bell! And I let it CLANG, too! There are several ladies I have shared the waiting room with over these last several weeks, and we have kind of become our own little support group (though I am still the highest of them all, at stage three; and I am the only radical mastectomy while the others are all lumpectomies). Anyway, knowing it was my last day today, one of the ladies brought me flowers. And when I rang the bell, she and another of my "buddies" were in a photo I had taken of the event. I will cherish these fellow breast cancer survivors forever. And Linda (the one who gave me flowers) and I plan to meet for dinner soon. I also plan to go back next week, when it will be the last day for many of these ladies, to watch them ring the bell too. The bond we ladies formed is very touching and meaningful to me.

So everyone, another milestone reached. Now I am "off" for a few months, other than checkups with all the various doctors on my team, one of whom is the plastic surgeon. I will see him at the beginning of April, and hopefully, he will be able to give me some idea of when the reconstructive surgery can be expected. WHEW! I can't believe how far I've come, and ..............

I WOULD NOT HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR WITHOUT THE LOVE, THE SINCERE LOVE AND SUPPORT OF ALL OF YOU OUT THERE!!!!!! Gosh, the cards, the gifts, the prayers and the good wishes sent my way throughout this process have been very instrumental in successfully getting me to this point! And the cheering me on! I don't know HOW I'd have done this without all of you! It has NOT been an easy journey. In fact, it has far and away been the most difficult physical challenge I have ever faced. It's true what they say: "Breast cancer is not for sissies." I am so blessed and so thankful for all of you who have kept me close at heart all this time. My personal thank-you's are coming soon, as promised! My right arm (my writing arm) is still very weak and difficult to use, but it is getting better every day. And I have not forgotten the importance of letting loved ones know on a more personal level than a blog, what the support of all of you has meant to me! THANK YOU!

I have taken many photos throughout this journey, and they include all the things my beloved supporters have sent me along the way. Everything from cards to flowers to gifts have been photographed, so I will forever be able to enjoy and remember the love and prayers that I have been so blessed by. There are also photos of me going through this process throughout, a couple of which you have seen (for example, that shot of me in bed, so chemo-sick, I could hardly think). I have begun a scrapbook of this painful process. It seems an odd subject matter to make a scrapbook of. Most scrapbooks contain happy memories. While my journey has not at all been a happy memory, it is, nonetheless, a year of my life that has significantly changed my life forever. One day, I hope to look back on this, look at what I went through and how far I've come. And I hope to say, "WOW! What the HECK was THAT???!!!"

I am not done blogging though, as this process is not yet over. I will still be blogging and keeping you up with checkups and the reconstructive surgeries (though I don't think I'll post photos of that!). And with this 30-pound weight gain (caused largely by the steroids in the chemo treatments), as well as my very, very SHORT, GRAY hair (still so short I continue to wear my wig), I am not exactly eager to post photos. But I WILL still be blogging! So please check in from time to time, comment if you are so inclined, cuz I LOVE reading your comments. And always, ALWAYS remember how much each and every one of you mean to both me AND my angel, Larry!

Love to all, and prayers of thanks, too!
Deb 333333333333

Hello folks,

I am trying to get better about keeping up with my blogs, but my naps seem to get in the way.

I’m doing okay, hangin’ in there. I am just now beginning the fourth week of six weeks of radiation. So far my skin seems to be holding up okay, from what I can tell as a layman. It’s a little more tanned than it was, but other than that, the skin seems to be holding up okay. I am very liberal with the creams and lotions the doctor gave me.

Compared to chemo, radiation is a breeze, though it does make me very tired. It doesn’t hurt though, I don’t have to get poked, and it is pretty fast. I am usually in and out within a half hour, start to finish. In addition, many of the women there are also breast cancer patients, and many nice acquaintances are being formed in that waiting room. We women in there have appointments every day, all 10 minutes apart. So it is the same group of women in there every single day. It’s nice to chat with others in the same mess I’m in. I am still the winner, however, in the severity of my cancer’s stage. Everyone else is Stage 2 or lower, and here’s me at (gulp) Stage 3. The level of fear amongst all of us is the same though. Everyone in there has a sobering, calm, unspeakable fear. No one is shaking and crying, just accepting and hoping for the best. We all talk quietly amongst ourselves, often in low whispers, about all the “what if’s” we experience, as if somehow should our words be too loud, the fears will come true. And we talk about how this experience has caused drastic changes in the way we all look at things, how this has impacted all of our lives forever.

We also talk about the stories we all hear of breast cancer survivors. And we note that, unless experiencing this disease firsthand, no one really knows what it took or how hard it was for those ladies to become survivors. Until now, for all of us ladies in that waiting room, seeing breast cancer survivors celebrating was wonderful. But now we all have a whole new appreciation for WHY that celebration is so important to them. This has been a difficult and profoundly frightening battle for all of us ladies there in that waiting room. The journey has been long, painful, and so challenging. We are all tired, weak, still in pain, afraid, and feel alone, as we all sit there together with caps covering our bald heads. We all have battered self images and compromised self esteem. Yet, we all look forward to the hopeful thought of joining our brave "predecessors in pink" in the celebration of survival. Of wearing that pink ribbon and giving it the same personal stature and honor as a Purple Heart, because we earned it through a very tough fight. And we all hope and pray that one day, we’ll be strong and healthy again, so that we too, can reach out to the “newbies,” and help them through what so many courageous women who have gone before us have helped us through.

~ ~ ~ ~ SIGH ~ ~ ~ ~

My hair is coming in quite quickly, considering that just a month ago, it was all skin. My hair looks to be mostly white, but darker in back. I may just let it grow all the way back in to the length it was before without coloring it, just to see what it looks like. My eyebrows are almost totally back in, so it’s back to daily tweezing (ugh). And I am getting tired of gluing on false eyelashes (what a pain!), so it’s nice to see that my own lashes are coming in too. My nails are quite another story though. They are very short and very thin, broken and peeling. I had worn acrylics for years and years, and I would start having them done again, but the doctors advise against it. Apparently one way they monitor things is by looking at the nails, so they recommend no acrylics.

I've recently developed a severe ache in my right arm, which my radiation oncologist seems to think may possibly be lymphedema, due to the surgical removal of so many (19) of my lymph nodes on the right side. So I have yet another doctor on my team, a lymphedema specialist, whom I am scheduled to see next week.

I continue to receive many, many cards and notes from well wishers, who are praying for me and letting me know I am in their thoughts. I know I say this a LOT, but honestly, I just have no way of ever expressing what those cards mean to me. I will keep them always and treasure them. They are truly uplifting and encouraging to me. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

So until next time, I will keep all of YOU in MY prayers too. I am so blessed in so many ways, but especially in having so many people cheering me on in this battle. Thank you one and all, and forever.

Love and God’s blessings,

Deb

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Feeling Pretty Down

Hi to all my family and friends,

Seems I am slowing down on my blogs of late. I apologize for that. I have been pretty down lately, feeling alone and scared. I don't know why. I know a positive attitude is key to recovery, and I have tried to be positive and stay upbeat. Now that chemo is behind me -- which was torture for me -- you would think I would be happy to move forward with my treatments and my life. Trust me, I am eccstatic that chemo is over with!

I have now begun radiation treatments. This is my first week. I will have 30 treatments in all, five days a week for six weeks. I have had only three radiation treatments so far, but to date, they are totally painless and not nearly as difficult as chemo was. Another reason I should be happy and positive.

Now more than ever, I increasingly find myself lacking confidence that I'll be okay. Up until now, this whole thing has been absolutely surreal to me, like a nightmare I can't wake up from. Now that the worst is behind me as far as treatments go, I think everything is FINALLY sinking in with me. Oh I always understood what was going on, of course, and the dangers and seriousness of it, but it was pretty abstract to me at the same time. Now however, the fear is really taking over, and I am so afraid I won't survive, at least not for more than 3 or 4 years. I get different stories from different doctors. My oncologist told me that with all my treatments (modified radical mastectomy, chemo and radiation), there was only a 14% chance of the cancer returning. Pretty good numbers. Then, when I moved on to radiation therapy, the radiation oncologist told me that there was a 14% chance of the cancer returning to THE ORIGINALLY AFFECTED AREA, but that because my stage was so high (stage 3), there was a higher chance that the cancer would return elsewhere in my body. Gulp. Then I got on the 'net to try to find a discussion group made up of stage 3, LONG-TERM survivors. I could find none. Further, I read on the internet that there was only a 50% survival rate for stage-3 breast cancer patients.

Soooo ... I don't exactly have the warm fuzzies here. Truth be known, I am scared out of my wits, and quite depressed.

With chemo finished, I would have thought I would have begun to perk up a bit physically, too. While I am no longer nauseous, I am still very, very tired. It takes very little to wipe me out. Even stress seems to wear me out. Yesterday, we had another upset with our insurance company (the second such upset), who is questioning whether they will cover the $130,000 cost of my radiation treatments, and whether I even need the radiation therapy at all. As it turns out, they now assure us they WILL cover it, but the stress it brought on before the approval wiped me out so much that I slept for three hours in the afternoon yesterday, and 11 hours through the night last night. IS THIS DEGREE OF FATIGUE NORMAL WHEN I'VE BEEN FINISHED WITH CHEMO FOR FIVE WEEKS NOW??

A bright spot in my week: I got a new wig. The wig I originally started with, which was not cheap, was one I was never really comfortable wearing. I felt it looked very "wiggy," seemed to be the wrong color, and the style wasn't right. I recently ordered a "cheapie" from one of the TV shopping channels. I was astonished at how much more confident it made me feel the moment I put it on. It is a short style, and I have never had short hair, so that is something I definitely have to get used to. But the quality and color of this more inexpensive wig is very impressive, and though the style is not one I am used to, I feel more confident in it because it looks so much more believable. So there are still good things happening.

Of course, I never EVER take for granted the love and support of family and friends. How I hope I am around for years and years to enjoy all of you for a long, long time, and to forever thank all of you for all of that love and support. This ALWAYS remains a bright spot for me and really keeps me going. Truly it does.

Now that I have bellyached and acted like a cry baby, I will sign off for now. I thank all of you for letting me vent, and indeed for even reading and keeping up with my blogs. There are so many out there so much worse off than I am, and I have so much to be thankful for. But often, it's easy to temporarily lose sight of that when I am so, so scared. "Stage 3." Please give me another chance at life, Lord.

My love and hugs to all of you.

Deb 3333333333

The Lord Shone Down on Us Today!

It's been a long time again since I've blogged. Sorry 'bout that. I have been trying still, to get over the chemo treatments; they were on the rough side for me. I have still been very tired, sluggish, listless and still have a bit of leftover bone pain. I am told by the doctors that my chemo treatments were very strong, so maybe my reactions were normal rather than baby-fied. Additionally, I have gained a whopping 30 pounds, which has been so discouraging to me. The doctor told me that this was normal, because the chemo I was given was all steriods. He also said it would be hard to lose these extra pounds because I am post-menopausal, and also, too tired from the treatments to exercise. Well, BAH.

But now to Larry. Today was his heart procedure. They thought they detected a blockage in one of his arteries, and thought he may need an angioplasty as well as a stent. They got in there today, and guess what: everything was clear! Therefore, Larry needed no stent, and no angioplasty! The blockage they thought they saw was a shadow from his diaphragm. THANK YOU, LORD! What a blessing to receive GOOD medical news! They still went up through a main arterie in Larry's right leg though, so he's on bedrest for a few days now. But how do you like that? NO BLOCKAGES! Clean as a whistle. THANK YOU, LORD!

As for me, I begin my radiation treatments next Monday, Feb 1. I was supposed to have begun yesterday, but there were many hiccups in the procedure. First, the doctor had not yet received approval from the insurance company. Next, the doctor said he would rather wait for the chemo to be completely out of my system, at least one more week. And third, there was a power outage while I was there, which caused all the radiation machines to shut down and need servicing. On top of that, the radiation oncologist was trying to work my radiation around Larry's heart procedure. With all the trip-ups that happened yesterday, we just decided to delay the start of my radiation for another week, and that way, I could give Larry my full attention for his procedure today. Meanwhile, this will give them time to get their fancy machines back up and running again. Radiation was just not meant to be for me yesterday!

Still a great deal of discomfort with this tissue expander. I have many months to go with it still implanted in there. I am also getting discouraged and afraid; my fears go up and down. But there are a few things the radiation oncolgist has said that have weakend my spirit and encouraged more fear. Things like, " Hmmm ... stage 3 ... well, we're doing all we can ..." or, "well, for your advanced case, we're going to use a very sophisticated type of radiation ..." and, "there are no guarantees ..." Ugh. I am so scared.

I think my hair is starting to come back a little. Since I had it shaved, it's always remained bristly, but now, there are soft little peach-fuzz hairs sprouting through the stiff ones. I hope I'm not seeing things! Unfortunately though, I continue to lose eyelashes and eyebrows. Oh well. Hopefully they'll come back soon too.

Guess that's going to have to be it for tonight. I am pretty tired and it's been a long day. Thanks to all of you for your prayers and thoughts for both Larry and me. It is so wonderful to know that so many care about us and are rooting for us! We thank and love you all and are humbled by your continued love and support.

Love to all of you,
Deb AND Larry
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This One's for Larry

Happy weekend to everyone,

As I mentioned in my last blog, today my husband Larry had an appointment with his cardiologist. Larry has had a pacemaker since 2003, and recently had a stress test. The test came back "abnormal," so today's appointment was to find out what that was all about.

Larry has a blockage in one of the three arteries in his heart. Thank God they found it! So the plan is to do an angioplasty to open up the artery, then implant a stent to keep the artery open. This will be an overnight stay in the hospital, and the doctor says it is a rather routine procedure. While every medical procedure has risks, the doctor feels that Larry will be just fine. THANK YOU, LORD!!! Our appointment for the stent procedure is January 26, just a couple of weeks from now. It will be done at our second home these days, Troy Beaumont.

We would sure appreciate your prayers as we head into this procedure. Again, the doctor was very reassuring, and Larry seems to have no worries at all about having this problem fixed. And again, we are just both so grateful that the problem was detected before a "major cardiac event" occurred.

As for me, I am having a pretty good day today. Not much pain, still very tired and sluggish, and of course, still very scared. But our health, both Larry's and mine, rests in the Lord's hands, and we just have to give it all over to Him.

Thank you ALL so much for your continued prayers and thoughts! Believe me when I say over and over, that they are working, and we are so appreciative of all of you!

Love, Deb 33333333333

Initial Consult with Radiation Oncologist was Today

Here I am again, everyone (thank God!)

Today brings the beginning of yet another phase in the road to my recovery. Larry and I visited the radiation oncologist for the first time today. It was both comforting and scary to me. I had been told by several that once I got through chemo, radiation would be a breeze. Yet, I left the radiation oncolgist's office today feeling a bit of anxiety. While I really liked him, he didn't sugar coat anything. He said that while I had been correctly told that my chances for a cancer recurrance were only about 15 percent, he clarified that the low chance of recurrance meant recurrance to THE AREA THAT'S BEING TREATED. He added though, that radiation can, in some cases, CAUSE MORE cancers to occur elsewhere. And further, because I have already had a high-stage, advanced, aggressive cancer, my chances of getting another cancer elsewhere were increased. Also, there is a chance that if the cancer recurs in the same area, it would likely be along my scar line. Ugh. However, my prognosis for what I am being treated for remains good. So at least that is something for which to be so thankful. I am kicking myself, because I knew for such a long time that I was ill, and chose to wait such a long time to confront what I knew was a serious problem. BAD IDEA.

I have been prescribed 33 radiation treatments, which will take place five days a week for a little over a six-week period. Next week, I will go in and a cast of my chest will be made, and I will be marked for a reference as to where to aim the beam. I'm told radiation treatments will make me tired and that I might develop sunburn-like symptoms, but that the side effects are not nearly as brutal as those of chemo.

The neuropathy in my extremities continues to plague me, and doesn't yet seem to be improving. But I am told to be patient, that it could be awhile before improvement occurs, if at all. Swelling is still an issue and I miss wearing my lovely and sentimental wedding rings. But I am still here!

News on my tissue expander. I saw my plastic surgeon early this week (whom I LOVE -- he is such a wonderful, skilled and compassionate doctor). He examined my surgical area and tissue expander and determined that I am DONE getting fills! Woo hoo! He said my skin was plenty unhappy with us already, and that he felt he had stretched it enough to be adequate for reconstruction. Of course, he cautioned that we won't know until radiation treatments are complete the effects it will leave behind. Naturally ("unnaturally"?), we are hoping an implant will still be an option, but if not, the plastic surgeon assured me that there are still plenty of other successful reconstructive options he can exercise. And in his comforting, A+ bedside manner (one of the many things that makes him a top-notch doctor), he told me I had been through so much already and that I had traveled a really rough road. Whew! Did that ever confirm my feelings! I'd begun to think the tears I shed throughout the torturous chemo cycles were because I was just a big baby. I mentioned this to the plastic surgeon, telling him that there were times throughout the chemo treatments that I literally thought I would surely die, and another enlightening piece of information came to light. He told me that during chemo, they fill you with so much of that toxic drug that it brings you right to the brink of death, that that's when they back off the dosage a bit. I laughed -- he didn't. I asked if he was serious, and he said he was. Well no wonder I felt like I'd literally been poisoned nearly to death! Now, I don't know if others who go through chemo react as violently as I did (I have heard that many sail right through it, and some are even able to continue working throughout), but I just know that for me, at the advanced stage I was, it was pretty difficult.

Well, this has certainly been enough about me. Please allow me to ask for prayers for my BELOVED PRINCE OF A HUSBAND, Larry. As many of you know, Larry has had a pacemaker since 2003. He had a stress test a couple of weeks ago, and we have been told there was an "abnormality" in his results. We are going to see the cardiologist this Friday to find out what exactly we are up against with this. We are hoping that it is nothing more than time to replace the pacemaker. I am glad I am starting to feel a little stronger in case we are facing yet another health challenge. I will keep my blog updated on this situation too, and I will thank you all in advance for your prayers. Believe me, we appreciate them so very much!

So, with the holidays having drawn to a close and life beginning to return to normal, at least from a day-to-day standpoint, let us once again wish all of you a happy and healthy 2010. I will forever be reminded of, and so grateful for, the importance of family and friends. And thank you to all of you who've left such tender and encouraging comments here on my blog. You have no idea how deeply they touch my heart, and how profusely I thank God for each of you.

Love, Deb 33333333333