Saw the Plastic Surgeon

Hello to all,

Okay, here's the update. I saw the plastic surgeon (PS) earlier this week. The news regarding my reconstruction was not really what I wanted to hear, but remembering back on my main goal when this horrible journey began for me, which was to STAY ALIVE, I guess I can't complain.

The PS told me that my skin is very hardened and “woody” from the effects of radiation, and that if he had to decide today whether to do the conventional implant or the flap surgery, he’d have to go with the flap. As I have mentioned before, the flap surgery is quite painful and scares me so much. I was wrong however, in how I had explained the flap surgery before. I had originally thought that there would be skin harvested from my back and fat sucked from my belly to form a new breast. Nope. It seems that with either option, I will get an implant, and my belly fat will be left alone (oh good, I LOVE that fat!). The question is, did the radiation therapy remove my skin’s elasticity to the point of it reversing the effects of all the skin stretching and expanding that the PS had done with this tissue expander? It appears so. The PS said it’s still a bit too early to tell if my skin will regain any of its suppleness, and that over the next couple of months (until my next appointment with the PS in June), I can try softening the skin by regular massage and application of creams and cocoa butters/moisturizers. If I do that, I might have a slim chance of foregoing the flap surgery and having just an implant. If the skin remains hard and leathery however, then he will stretch skin around from my back to my front, to cover an implant. Recovery time for an implant: a couple of weeks; time in the hospital: outpatient. Recovery time for flap surgery: four to five weeks; time in the hospital: a couple of days. Also with the flap surgery, pain is on par with the mastectomy, and I will once again have my “friends,” those God-awful drains for a few weeks afterward. Further, after my mastectomy, I developed a life-threatening blood clot in my lung, as a result of the surgery. I now worry that the same thing will happen to me again if I have the flap surgery. Dear Lord. What a threat, what a scare.

I asked the PS about my ongoing “stage 3” fear. He told me what every other doctor has told me. There is no way of knowing what our future holds, and I can either go through life marching forward, or go through life looking backward, waiting for the footsteps behind me to grab me in the darkness. Well you know me, the glass is always half empty and I am a pessimist. Bah. So I left there in tears, and have been crying on and off ever since. I am so, so scared even now. And I wonder if I am trying to fool myself by distracting myself with thoughts and dreams of moving out of this house I dislike so much, and into that one I love so much. Is it all for naught? Should I even be entertaining thoughts of a future of any kind?

Larry, bless his heart, has said that if I want to do nothing surgically (other than take the tissue expander out and be done with it all), that’s fine with him. He would never have me go through all this pain for HIM. God bless him for that! I am blessed by the freedom he gives me in letting this be totally my choice. But I do want to feel whole again, for me. We went to Wendy’s for a burger after my PS appointment and I looked out the window at this lovely tree that was in full bloom. I first thanked God for letting me see the beauty and wonder of His work. But then I stopped to think of what made this particular tree so pretty. It was the symmetry of it. It was shaped the same all around. Balanced. That’s what I want to be again. Balanced. With symmetry. I want to feel as normal as I can once again. But ... doesn't everyone in my situation? And once again, breast or no breast, reconstruction or no reconstruction, I AM ALIVE, for now, at least. For how long, I don't know. But then again, no one does, I guess.

So, as you can probably tell, I'm a little down. Trying to go forward and put my life back together after an experience like this is NOT easy.

My surgery, which ever kind I get, is scheduled for August 12. I hope you will all keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I will go to the plastic surgeon in June, at which time, he should be able to tell me which procedure will be best for me. In the meantime, I am applying creams and lotions like it's 1999! If I can get this skin all soft and supple again, maybe I won't have to have the flap surgery after all! Fingers crossed!

Thank you to everyone again for hanging in there with me. Please keep praying for me. I have come a long way, but still have a ways to go, and have come to depend on your prayers and support! Oh, and the consensus on the gray hair seems to be pretty positive. Thanks! Maybe I won't have to visit the Clairol aisle after all!

Love,

Deb 3333333