Feeling Pretty Down

Hi to all my family and friends,

Seems I am slowing down on my blogs of late. I apologize for that. I have been pretty down lately, feeling alone and scared. I don't know why. I know a positive attitude is key to recovery, and I have tried to be positive and stay upbeat. Now that chemo is behind me -- which was torture for me -- you would think I would be happy to move forward with my treatments and my life. Trust me, I am eccstatic that chemo is over with!

I have now begun radiation treatments. This is my first week. I will have 30 treatments in all, five days a week for six weeks. I have had only three radiation treatments so far, but to date, they are totally painless and not nearly as difficult as chemo was. Another reason I should be happy and positive.

Now more than ever, I increasingly find myself lacking confidence that I'll be okay. Up until now, this whole thing has been absolutely surreal to me, like a nightmare I can't wake up from. Now that the worst is behind me as far as treatments go, I think everything is FINALLY sinking in with me. Oh I always understood what was going on, of course, and the dangers and seriousness of it, but it was pretty abstract to me at the same time. Now however, the fear is really taking over, and I am so afraid I won't survive, at least not for more than 3 or 4 years. I get different stories from different doctors. My oncologist told me that with all my treatments (modified radical mastectomy, chemo and radiation), there was only a 14% chance of the cancer returning. Pretty good numbers. Then, when I moved on to radiation therapy, the radiation oncologist told me that there was a 14% chance of the cancer returning to THE ORIGINALLY AFFECTED AREA, but that because my stage was so high (stage 3), there was a higher chance that the cancer would return elsewhere in my body. Gulp. Then I got on the 'net to try to find a discussion group made up of stage 3, LONG-TERM survivors. I could find none. Further, I read on the internet that there was only a 50% survival rate for stage-3 breast cancer patients.

Soooo ... I don't exactly have the warm fuzzies here. Truth be known, I am scared out of my wits, and quite depressed.

With chemo finished, I would have thought I would have begun to perk up a bit physically, too. While I am no longer nauseous, I am still very, very tired. It takes very little to wipe me out. Even stress seems to wear me out. Yesterday, we had another upset with our insurance company (the second such upset), who is questioning whether they will cover the $130,000 cost of my radiation treatments, and whether I even need the radiation therapy at all. As it turns out, they now assure us they WILL cover it, but the stress it brought on before the approval wiped me out so much that I slept for three hours in the afternoon yesterday, and 11 hours through the night last night. IS THIS DEGREE OF FATIGUE NORMAL WHEN I'VE BEEN FINISHED WITH CHEMO FOR FIVE WEEKS NOW??

A bright spot in my week: I got a new wig. The wig I originally started with, which was not cheap, was one I was never really comfortable wearing. I felt it looked very "wiggy," seemed to be the wrong color, and the style wasn't right. I recently ordered a "cheapie" from one of the TV shopping channels. I was astonished at how much more confident it made me feel the moment I put it on. It is a short style, and I have never had short hair, so that is something I definitely have to get used to. But the quality and color of this more inexpensive wig is very impressive, and though the style is not one I am used to, I feel more confident in it because it looks so much more believable. So there are still good things happening.

Of course, I never EVER take for granted the love and support of family and friends. How I hope I am around for years and years to enjoy all of you for a long, long time, and to forever thank all of you for all of that love and support. This ALWAYS remains a bright spot for me and really keeps me going. Truly it does.

Now that I have bellyached and acted like a cry baby, I will sign off for now. I thank all of you for letting me vent, and indeed for even reading and keeping up with my blogs. There are so many out there so much worse off than I am, and I have so much to be thankful for. But often, it's easy to temporarily lose sight of that when I am so, so scared. "Stage 3." Please give me another chance at life, Lord.

My love and hugs to all of you.

Deb 3333333333