Man oh man, chemo is rough

Hi again, sorry it's been so long since I've blogged. I'm afraid chemo is getting the better of me. I have now had three treatments of a total eight. The good news though, is that I'm told that the last four won't make me nauseous. Thank GOD. I don't know if I just have a low tolerance for the chemo, or if I'm getting an extra-strong dosage or what, but it is very hard on me. I am being extra brave by posting on here a recent photo of myself. Quite a change in appearance from the me you are all used to seeing. But I promised myself to be honest on here, and this photo is honest, to be sure. Ugh.

I get chemo every other week. On off weeks, I get reconstructive fills, which I had today. Another 50 cc's went into my tissue expander. I hate to admit it, but for the first time during a fill, I cried. It was quite painful. But again, the good news is that I guess that means some of the feeling in my chest is beginning to come back. Pretty embarrassing to cry. But maybe if I'd felt better from the chemo, I would have been stronger emotionally. I have come to realize that chemo makes me sick for anywhere from a week to 10 days after the treatment. Today was the seventh day since my last treatment, and I was still pretty down for the count.

I have so many blessings that I can't count them all. I sure had no reason to cry. Once again, I remind myself that I CAN be reconstructed, that the cancer CAN be treated successfully and that it IS survivable. Further, I have people praying for me from Missouri to Florida, from Tennessee to Arkansas, from Michigan's Upper Penninsula to right here in the Lower. Thank you to all of you for your cards, prayers and your constant support. I swear from my heart, I will thank each one of you individually just as soon as I am able. And hopefully, I will be well enough to travel and do so IN PERSON. You all mean the whole world to me. Thank you so, so much,

Larry and my sons, Mark and David, continue to bless me as well. I don't know what I would do without such a support team. They are the best. My sisters Brenda and Dee, also the best. Another blessing is that my breast cancer was not genetically driven, but rather, environmentally. Therefore, there is less chance of my beloved sisters getting this dreaded disease passed to them via some bum genetic link. Praise the Lord!

My niece, Melissa, so dear to me, is having a baby shower this weekend for her very first child! My sister Brenda will be a grandma for the first time! I am so happy for all of them. The shower will be the first event I have attended since before my mastectomy, since before my hair loss. So I am a little nervous. I have a lovely wig, but ... it is still a wig. I have also been fitted with a prosthesis to have until my reconstruction is completed sometime about a year from now. I am nervous about wearing both to the shower. But seeing my beautiful niece in the glow of her pregnancy enjoy her baby shower is something I wouldn't miss for all the world. Another blessing for which to be thankful!

Way back at the beginnings of my blogs, I believe I said I wanted to use the blogs as kind of a personal journal to chronicle my journey. Looks like I've done so again tonight. Thank you all for letting me share my thoughts, my fears, the challenges of this ordeal, and for the forum to TRY feebly to offer my humble but heartfelt thanks to so many.

I am not feeling well, as I mentioned, so I will close for now. Hopefully it won't be so long before the next blog.

Love and God's blessings,
Deb 3333333

PS: Many of you who know me are familiar with my "3s" as a signal or a sign off. But for those of you who may not be, I will explain. The 3 is a shorthand symbol representing the words, "I love you." It's a tradition I began with my boys when they were little. When in church or some other place where it was equally important to be quiet, we would squeeze each other's hands three times to convey our love. Eventually, the "3" symbol evolved into waving goodbye by waving with three fingers, or signing a note or an email with 3s. I even used to sneak a three-finger signal to my boys when on stage, kind of like the Carol Burnett ear-tug gesture. (Al, did you know I was doing that? ~smile~) And now you know "the rest of the story." All that said, 33333333333!!!!!!!!

Lovely Michigan as photographed by a dear old friend

Hello this evening,

I'm feeling somewhat better now, finally, this time 10 days following my last chemo treatment. And of course, just in time for my third chemo treatment this coming Tuesday. I gotta say, this chemo is rough for me. This whole experience is not for sissies. Put an "amen" on that.

I would like to call attention tonight to the work of a dear, old high school friend of mine, Steve Foster. Like so many of you, he is cheering me on in my journey. I had no idea Steve was so talented in the field of photography. In my last blog, dated Oct 13, Steve left a comment which included a link to his latest project, photos he took of lovely Michigan in this most beautiful fall season. He commented that he hoped the photos would cheer me. They did more than that; they warmed my heart, they aroused beautiful memories of so many of the places I'd seen myself, and gave me the motivation to get better so I could seek out the ones I hadn't. Steve, your work is magnificent and I remain more than impressed with your gorgeous photos of our state. I urge all of you who follow my blog to go to the link Steve provided in the Oct 13 blog, so that you too, can enjoy the breathtaking scenery that is our "Michigan in Fall." For those of you who live here in Michigan, you will be even more proud of our state. For those of you who are Michigan natives, but now live in other lovely states in our America, these photos will bring you back, even if only in memory. And for those of you who have never seen Michigan, Steve's work will make you want to visit us, especially in the fall, though all our seasons -- and we do enjoy all four -- are lovely, each in their own ways. And for those unfamiliar with our state, the beautiful, majestic bridge you will see is our Mackinac (pronounced Mackinaw) Bridge, a five-mile suspension bridge, aptly nicknamed "The Mighty Mac," which connects our Upper and Lower Penninsulas. Steve, your work is absolutely sublime and I will never be able to express the enjoyment your photos brought me. And I know all who read my blog and take the time to access the link to your work will enjoy your "Michigan in Fall" as much as I did. Excellent capture of our Creator's work! Thank you for sharing, Steve! What a motivational boost to me to get back on my feet, and get out there and enjoy God's divinity ASAP!

Once again, may I give a shout-out to whomever sent me the lovely pink angel figurine! She is just lovely and I wish I knew whom to thank for her!

Well, my wig hurts. I must have a big head or something, because it is on its loosest fitting (there are little straps inside that are extended to their max), and it still gives me a headache. Bah.

Bought myself some one-piece, fleece, footed pajamas today (just like the ones my little grandson wears). I figured I have lost ALL sex appeal as it is (y'all oughtta see me and the shape I'm in -- Lord have mercy!), so I may as well be warm, cozy and comfortable. Larry laughed, so I guess he's okay with it. He's pretty much seen it all now with me anyway.

Latest food craving: Raspberry sherbert (okay, okay, "s-h-e-r-b-e-t").

I have had a couple of people comment on my writing skills. Thank you for that. I appreciate your compliments! Some have even commented that I should take up writing as a profession. Actually, I already did, for years and years. My degree is in English Language with a minor in Journalism, and for all the years I held a "real job" (i.e., not music), I was in the field of writing/editing/proofreading/journalism, as were many of my former colleagues who follow this blog (which is why I try very hard to still be "on duty" when I write these blogs -- I know you guys are scrutinizing my writing just as we all were trained to do for so many years. So, how'm I doing? Is my turban too tight?). Anyway, to those of you who have complimented my writing skills without knowing of my love affair and employment with words for all these 30-some years, I thank you for letting me know "I've still got it." (Smiles and thumbs up from me here.)

Please excuse me for now, I have to go have another bowl of raspberry sherbert.

Love to all, and may God bless you -- He will give you extra blessings tonight when you view Steve's gorgeous Michigan photos!

Deb

Still no idea from whom the anonymous gift came

Hi everybody,

Well, I still have no idea from whom this lovely angel figurine came, but I am enjoying her presence as she watches over me in my living room. She is gorgeous. Thank you to ?????

Another tough day today, but not as bad as the previous few days. I have figured out, after having had only two chemo's thus far, that I am sick for about 6 days afterward. Chemo's are Tuesdays, I feel okay Wednesdays, but then from Thursday through to the following Tuesday, I am in bed sick. Today being Tuesday, I finally started feeling better, but I'm still so very tired. I also had another appointment with the plastic surgeon today for another painful fill. Another 50 cc's went into my tissue expander. So, slowly but surely, the reconstructive process continues. It is so difficult to see other women in the plastic surgeon's waiting room in the various stages of this horrible situation. Today I saw a beautiful woman come in who was obviously much newer to this process than I, as she was still moving about very weakly, still had her drainage tubes in. I remembered thinking back on when I was new to this, as she now is. And I remember looking around the waiting room back then at the other women who were obviously much further along than I in the process, and wishing I too were further along. Well, here I am a couple of months into this, yet, I still feel like a "newbee." I still feel like I have such a long road ahead, BECAUSE I DO. Yet, seeing that lady today also reminded me of how far I've come, too. I am so blessed. But it seems that just when I start to feel a little better from the chemo, it's time for a fill, and I'm in pain from that. Sigh.

I surely do wonder why there is seemingly such an increase in breast cancer! It seems it's everywhere. I was told that one in eight woman will be diagnosed, and if they are menopausal as I am, the numbers go to one in FIVE! Staggering. What are we doing to ourselves that is causing this??

I have ventured out a little bit, twice now, wearing my wig. I feel pretty self conscious, as if everyone is staring at me. The nurse at the plastic surgeon's office today complimented me on the wig though. After telling her I was wearing it, she said she didn't realize it was a wig at all. (Was she just being kind?) Donning a wig is definitely a peculiar feeling and makes me very self conscious. I still have eyebrows and lashes though, so that makes it a little easier on me. My lashes are thinning a bit now, so I think it's just a matter of time.

Still battling the clot in my lung, too. Some of my doctors say it has dissolved, other say it is still there and will take awhile to dissolve. I believe it is still there, because I feel a fluttering in that right lung when I inhale deeply. So while taking blood thinners is a hassle, I am praying they are doing their job with this added malady.

Larry is still my angel, stil waits on me, still takes such good care of me. He'll have so many stars in his crown, it will be heavy to wear, but the Lord will make sure he can hold his head high for all he's done for me in this journey. I don't know HOW people take this journey without support.

This experience surely has changed me in so many ways. I now find I am so much more sensitive to so many things. Ads for saving homeless, abused animals have always been upsetting to me, but now they make me break down and bawl. Any kind of program with any violence of any kind scares me. Political shows make me question our country's future, and THAT scares me. Dramas upset me because their writers are thinking up problems to build a show around, when there are so many real-life people with real-life problems to deal with, so why MAKE UP problems? And did you ever notice that darn-near EVERY commercial either deals with hair (of which I have none) or medicines/medical issues (of which I have plenty)? Home shopping channels are okay, but I find I spend money there, so I've had to cut back on my viewing of HSN and QVC. So I am once again down to "Andy" and "I Love Lucy." No harm there, for sure.

I continue to get cards so often, and I want you to know that truly, I SAVE EACH AND EVERY ONE, I READ THEM OVER AND OVER, and they HELP ME GET THROUGH THE TOUGH TIMES. I mean this from my heart. THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU. And now, whenever I send a card to someone, I take a moment to think of how much it might mean to someone who's struggling. I am so blessed to have so many who care. Thank you all so much. I am so humbled by your caring and your prayers.

Well, off to bed now. Because of today's fill, I have had to take a pain pill, and those make me sleepy. My love, gratitude and thanks to all of you who follow my posts on here, for caring enough about me to do so, and for being there for me, always.

Love, Deb

Anonymous gift

Hi to all,

First and foremost, I want to offer my thanks for a beautiful, and I do mean BEAUTIFUL pink angel breast cancer figurine I received in the mail today. It is absolutely gorgeous, a Thomas Kinkade collectible. I absolutely ADORE it, and it has a very special place in my living room on a lighted shelf. The problem is, I have no idea from whom it came! I wish to thank this anonymous gift-giver properly, but Larry and I looked and looked, searched the box, examined every card and piece of literature enclosed, but could find no name as to who sent this lovely and treasured gift. So if any of you out there reading this has any information, I would love to thank whomever sent this gift, and let them know I will treasure it always. THANK YOU!

Secondly, once again, chemo and the Nulasta shot that followed have me down for the count. Chemo was Tuesday, Nulasta and head-shaving were Wednesday. So I am kind of down and out physically as well as emotionally. Over and over, I keep reminding myself that the chemo is doing its job and killing any cancer that may be left. If not for that thought, it would be hard to keep going. I have been told that some people withstand the chemo easier than I have been able to. Maybe I am just a cry baby or something, but it's really taking its toll on me. I have 8 total chemo's. They tell me the first 4 are the ones that will cause this nausea, and that the last 4 WON'T. Praise God. So, I am halfway through the nausea-inducing sessions.

So on that note, I am going to have to close. Thanks to all for the compliments on my "I Hate Hair" poem. Thanks too for all the personal emails. I promise to answer them all just as soon as I am able. But for today, it's all I can do to update this blog.

Love to all,
Deb

"I Hate Hair"

Hi y'all,

It's been awhile. Chemo has been kicking my butt. And worse, the post-chemo Nulasta shot has been harder on me than the chemo itself. At first the Nulasta just made my bones ache for a bit, but the ache was very manageable. However, a whole week AFTER the Nulasta shot, I was down and out. My lower back began to throb HARD with each heartbeat. I couldn't get comfortable. And I lay awake literally all night long with tears streaming down my cheeks, watching each tick of the clock (I took my pulse a lot.) No meds I took could relieve the severe pain, no position could comfort it. It lasted exactly 24 hours and was gone, THANK GOD.

Well, time for another Nulasta shot again tomorrow. I guess I have a week before I have to go through that throbbing back pain again. Ugh. I'd better try to prepare somehow.

Anyway folks, sorry I have been under the radar -- and the weather -- for so long. I didn't know what to expect with that first chemo. And it DID make me feel really crummy. Treatments are on Tuesdays. So the first Tuesday, I felt good until Thursday, then went downhill fast. I didn't begin to lose my nausea until the following Tuesday, but then Tuesday night was when the backache set in. By the time 9 days went by after that first treatment, I was starting to feel pretty okay again. So, from day 9 to day 14, when the second treatment took place, I'd had about 5 good days under my belt to face chemo round 2, today.

And guess what. My hair started falling out in handsful today. Just gobs and gobs of it. Fortunately I kept my appointment to have it shaved tomorrow (Wednesday), and come out of there with a wig. Tonight, I am wearing a turban to bed so I don't leave these large tufts of my hair all over the pillowcases. Sniff.

Here's a poem I wrote about HAIR:

I HATE HAIR

I hate hair in the sink, hair on the floor.
Hair in my brush, hair behind the door.
I even hate my hair
in the style I wore.

I hate hair in my food,
when I lift up the bread,
did it come from the kitchen,
off that tattooed cook's head?

I hate loose hair on my clothes
and hair in my eyes,
and a hair in my MOUTH (ewww!)
makes the hair on my arms rise!

Hair in the shower drain,
a disgusting human quirk,
and when there's hair on the soap,
well, I just go berserk.

Hair in the tub,
what could be grosser,
egad, look out, there's one
floating closer!

My eyebrows need shaping
so I tweeze and I pluck,
every darn day
after 40 years, man does THAT suck!

The hairs that grow
atop my big toes,
(sigh)
I s'ppose I should do
something about those ...

On my upper lip
I wax, wax, wax,
talk about pain!
It hurts to the max!

And that one lone hair
sprouting from a used-to-be mole,
if I don't yank it out
it gets as long as a dang phone pole!

New haircuts cause me to mousse and to putz,
and needed frequent haircuts just make me nuts.
Putting Clairol on my hair makes the color deeper,
but the real color is gray, which is even creepier.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now my hair is all gone,
every flippin' strand ..................
I wish my hair were on my head
instead of in my hand.

Hair, hair, hair, it's a pain in the neck,
but now for me, cancer has stacked the deck.
Chemo has taken my every hair .............
AND NOW, HOW I WISH MY HAIR WERE THERE!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

(As I used to tell my children, "'Hate' is an awfully strong word!" Moral: Always listen to your mother, even when that mother is YOU.)

"Thank you ladies and gentleman, thank you very much."
CANCER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!

Big day tomorrow. I have to go get that dreaded shot, then we are going to pick up a new-to-Larry pickup he bought today. After that, alas, it's out to Katie's Spa for the head-shaving routine and wig fitting. I am trying to have a good attitude about it, trying to accept it, but I have a feeling there'll be some tears. I am having Larry bring the camera. As hard as it is to document this journey, I am trying. (He took pictures of me taking my chemo today.)

Today's food craving: White Castle Hamburgers. (My dad used to say you had to eat them just to kill the smell.) They tasted great, but repeated on me later. Bad idea.

I will try to keep up with new blogs as my nausea and fatigue permit. I know many of you have been asking how I am, and I DO SO appreciate that! Many others have sent emails saying the same, and of course, cards continue to pour in, all of such communications I consider prayers. With all this support, how could I EVER NOT be okay at the end of this journey? THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!

I continue to get emails from people who wish to leave a comment for me here on the blog, but don't know how. You must first click on my home page. Then, look at the list of my blogs, listed by date in a column down the left side of the page. Choose ONE to click on, and that particular blog will come up. At that time, after you have chosen a particular blog on which to comment, you can scroll to the bottom of that blog, where you will find a field that says, "Post a Comment." It is very easy. And I'd love to hear from you. You have no idea what your support does to keep me going, up, and positive. I love you all, and hope I can have one big "Celebration of Life" party for every one of you when I'm assured I have clearance to do so.

Thank you to everyone. I feel pretty good right now, but if you don't hear from me for a few days, just know that I am in a supine position someplace in this house (not yet ready for those prone positions because of some lingering chest pain, though I miss those prones -- I am a tummy sleeper!).

God's richest blessings to all my buddies on here and everywhere else. You are the BEST!

Love, Deb