Saw the Plastic Surgeon

Hello to all,

Okay, here's the update. I saw the plastic surgeon (PS) earlier this week. The news regarding my reconstruction was not really what I wanted to hear, but remembering back on my main goal when this horrible journey began for me, which was to STAY ALIVE, I guess I can't complain.

The PS told me that my skin is very hardened and “woody” from the effects of radiation, and that if he had to decide today whether to do the conventional implant or the flap surgery, he’d have to go with the flap. As I have mentioned before, the flap surgery is quite painful and scares me so much. I was wrong however, in how I had explained the flap surgery before. I had originally thought that there would be skin harvested from my back and fat sucked from my belly to form a new breast. Nope. It seems that with either option, I will get an implant, and my belly fat will be left alone (oh good, I LOVE that fat!). The question is, did the radiation therapy remove my skin’s elasticity to the point of it reversing the effects of all the skin stretching and expanding that the PS had done with this tissue expander? It appears so. The PS said it’s still a bit too early to tell if my skin will regain any of its suppleness, and that over the next couple of months (until my next appointment with the PS in June), I can try softening the skin by regular massage and application of creams and cocoa butters/moisturizers. If I do that, I might have a slim chance of foregoing the flap surgery and having just an implant. If the skin remains hard and leathery however, then he will stretch skin around from my back to my front, to cover an implant. Recovery time for an implant: a couple of weeks; time in the hospital: outpatient. Recovery time for flap surgery: four to five weeks; time in the hospital: a couple of days. Also with the flap surgery, pain is on par with the mastectomy, and I will once again have my “friends,” those God-awful drains for a few weeks afterward. Further, after my mastectomy, I developed a life-threatening blood clot in my lung, as a result of the surgery. I now worry that the same thing will happen to me again if I have the flap surgery. Dear Lord. What a threat, what a scare.

I asked the PS about my ongoing “stage 3” fear. He told me what every other doctor has told me. There is no way of knowing what our future holds, and I can either go through life marching forward, or go through life looking backward, waiting for the footsteps behind me to grab me in the darkness. Well you know me, the glass is always half empty and I am a pessimist. Bah. So I left there in tears, and have been crying on and off ever since. I am so, so scared even now. And I wonder if I am trying to fool myself by distracting myself with thoughts and dreams of moving out of this house I dislike so much, and into that one I love so much. Is it all for naught? Should I even be entertaining thoughts of a future of any kind?

Larry, bless his heart, has said that if I want to do nothing surgically (other than take the tissue expander out and be done with it all), that’s fine with him. He would never have me go through all this pain for HIM. God bless him for that! I am blessed by the freedom he gives me in letting this be totally my choice. But I do want to feel whole again, for me. We went to Wendy’s for a burger after my PS appointment and I looked out the window at this lovely tree that was in full bloom. I first thanked God for letting me see the beauty and wonder of His work. But then I stopped to think of what made this particular tree so pretty. It was the symmetry of it. It was shaped the same all around. Balanced. That’s what I want to be again. Balanced. With symmetry. I want to feel as normal as I can once again. But ... doesn't everyone in my situation? And once again, breast or no breast, reconstruction or no reconstruction, I AM ALIVE, for now, at least. For how long, I don't know. But then again, no one does, I guess.

So, as you can probably tell, I'm a little down. Trying to go forward and put my life back together after an experience like this is NOT easy.

My surgery, which ever kind I get, is scheduled for August 12. I hope you will all keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I will go to the plastic surgeon in June, at which time, he should be able to tell me which procedure will be best for me. In the meantime, I am applying creams and lotions like it's 1999! If I can get this skin all soft and supple again, maybe I won't have to have the flap surgery after all! Fingers crossed!

Thank you to everyone again for hanging in there with me. Please keep praying for me. I have come a long way, but still have a ways to go, and have come to depend on your prayers and support! Oh, and the consensus on the gray hair seems to be pretty positive. Thanks! Maybe I won't have to visit the Clairol aisle after all!

Love,

Deb 3333333

THE NEW ME!

Hello family and loved ones!

Well, as you can see by the new photo I posted here, a "new me" is slowly emerging. It's been a long, TOUGH road and a process I would not wish on my worst enemy. But slowly, I am getting there. I am still quite weak, still move pretty slowly, and I sometimes walk with my big, tall walking stick. But I am doing much better.

As I have mentioned before, my hair is coming back in, snow white, or, I guess more a gray color. It is still very, very short and close to my head, but it's definitely coming back. I can't say it's coming back in a different color than it was, because actually, I think this gray WAS the natural color; I just didn't know it because I kept it dyed a dark blonde all the time. Anyway, I will probably let it grow out this color and see how I like it. In the meantime, I am sporting this new wig that you see in the photo. My real hair had begun to show below my wig, so I bought a new wig that is the color of my natural hair. And as you can see, my real hair is indeed poking through around my ears under this wig too. But with the new wig being the same color as my real hair, it's a more natural look. Dunno if I'll be able to get used to the look of this new GRAY me or not; time will tell.

Feedback anyone?

The awful weight gain is "weighing" heavily on my mind. Further, my oncologist, whom I saw a couple of days ago, said that the Arimidex (hormone inhibitor) I have now started (and will take for five years) causes weight gain! Man oh man, I just can't win here. But at least I am alive!

I am so enjoying the new growth all around us here! Everything is turning green, blooms are on the trees, and the air smells SOOOO GOOD!!! I love all the new life around me, and have a whole new appreciation for EVERYTHING. Sometimes it makes me shed a tear to know that I am here to see another season begin.

Our house is now officially for sale. We have been working very, very hard to spruce this one up and get it ready to show. It has been a lot of work, and we have gotten rid of literally truck loads of things. This has really made me tired, but it has taken my mind off of the bad things, and allowed me to think of positive things, like the desire to move! No showings yet; please pray that we can sell this house before the one we would like to buy is sold to someone else.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who keep up with my blogs and have stood by my side throughout this terrible journey. I know it sounds so cliche, but I truly have benefitted from the support of all of you, and to know I was in the thoughts and prayers of so many has really gotten me through some very tough times. Please continue to pray for me, as I have a ways to go yet. I will see the plastic surgeon on Monday. Hopefully, he will tell me when the time will be right for him to complete my reconstruction!

Love to all,
Deb

PS: Sister Dee, are you getting my emails?
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Feeling Better

Hello everyone,

Well, as you can see, I have changed out my photo from the one showing my FIVE-ALARM radiation burn, to one that shows a much more pain-free me. I got many comments on my radiation photo, and I apologize for alarming you. Yes, it was painful, but that is part of this process, this ordeal. I am using my blog not only to communicate with all of you who care so much, but also as a personal journal of this process. So I am trying to show all the ups and downs of what this journey has entailed. WHEW!

In this new photo, I am still wearing my trusty wig, which is the color my hair was pre-"Big-C." But underneath this wig is a snow-white, new crop of hair that's coming in at what Larry says is, "a pretty good clip." Groannnnnn!

So, as you can see, I am feeling a little better, and I hope this eases the minds of those of you whom I had concerned with that last photo of the radiation burn. As you can also see, and as I have mentioned a time or two, I have gained 30(!) pounds! No one told me that the chemo treatments I'd be getting were full of steroids! Doctors have only recently told me that a weight gain was expected. I just hope I can get it back off again! Now that the weather is getting nicer, and I am feeling a bit better, perhaps I can do some walking.

I still tire very easily, I'm still pretty weak, and I can't do as much as I could before all this started. But gradually, my strength is returning, and I am spending less time in bed. Thank goodness, because I am getting tired of lying in this bed, getting up only to go to doctor appointments!

Next on the docket is the completion of the reconstructive process. My plastic surgeon tells me I have to wait for three to four months after radiation is complete, to let the skin and underlying tissue heal before he performs the surgeries necessary to reconstruct the breast. So now, I have some "time off" from so many doctor appointments each week.

I did recently see two of the doctors on my team (two different appointments). One was my lymphedema doctor, and the other my medical oncologist. Both told me they expect me to "be fine," and be a long-term survivor. Praise God, because this is a bit different than I HAD been told previously. I am now on Arimidex, a hormone inhibitor, which will hopefully block the hormones that drove the cancer to begin with. I will be on the Armimdex daily for five years. If during that time the cancer does not return, I will be considered to have been cured. So keep praying! And I humbly thank all of you for the prayers you have sent my way already. PRAYER WORKS!

So until next time, Larry and I would both like to wish all of you a most blessed Easter. PRAISE GOD, THE LORD IS RISEN!

Love to all,
Deb 33333333333