Chemo Brain gets me in Trouble!

Warning: Language contained in this blog may be offensive to some!

Hello everyone!

Well, I have been starting to feel a little better. Still really weak, but better. I have even begun to get back in the kitchen a little bit, which nearly always gets me into trouble. I have never been known for my cooking skills. But I thought a new pressure cooker would get me in the mood, as well as make things easier and faster in the kitchen (not my favorite room in the house).

The new electronic pressure cooker from HSN arrived, and I started right in. Larry was observing. I was telling Larry that I was going to make a recipe that was shown during the pressure cooker's demonstration on HSN: chicken breasts with salsa. I told Larry, as I was preparing the meal, that the gal on the HSN demo put in "cock hard" chicken breasts, and that they were done cooking in a matter of about 15 minutes. Larry listened and watched. "Can you believe it?" I said. "Cock hard!" The pressure cooker began to do its thing, and sure enough, those frozen chicken breasts were cooked through in 15 minutes. We ate. It was good. And I repeated again: "I just can't believe these things cooked in just 15 minutes, when they started off cock hard!" Finally, Larry (who'd been giving me funny looks all the while, which I thought were because of his amazement with the pressure cooker) said to me, "Do you even realize what you're saying? Why do you keep saying that? That's awful!" I didn't understand. Finally, Larry realized that I really and truly didn't realize I was saying anything offensive. He asked me if I had been meaning to say "ROCK HARD." Oh my gosh, was I ever embarrassed! Yes, I had meant ROCK hard! Oh my heavens!!! I guess my chemo brain had been mixing up the thought of a rooster with the frozen chicken breasts. OH DEAR!

I have had many instances of "chemo brain" since my breast cancer journey began. For example, last week, I said I thought I'd wear my "snake skin" pajamas to bed. Where that came from, I have no idea. Trust me, I do not OWN a pair of snake sking pajamas!

Moral of the story:
Yes, there IS such a thing as "chemo brain." For real, folks. For real.

My Life Passed Before My Eyes Today

Wow, what a sobering experience I had today, when I literally saw my entire life pass before my eyes!! It was a profound and humbling experience. And it all happened during an everyday ride in the car, as Larry and I took a drive this evening. A near-death occurance doesn't have to be sudden to have such an experience, either. Any ol' near-death occurance will do, such as the one I've had.

And so, our evening drive began.

The 1950s. Today, my Uncle Fred Blevins sent to me the most wonderful family photo from the 1950s, which I viewed just prior to Larry and I taking an evening drive. Although the photo was taken about three years before I was born, it was taken at a place I remember so well from when I was a small girl: Grandpa and Grandma Blevins' "Crooks Road house." It was a lovely and whimsical place, where there were nothing but good family memories for me. The singing, the music, the laughter... they never seemed to end there, and when we visited there, I never wanted to leave. My beloved, departed mom was pictured there with her siblings and their wives. Some of those pictured have gone on, and I'll always miss them.

The 1960s. While on our drive this evening, Larry and I saw an old, '60s pop-up tent camper for sale on the side of the road. As some of you may or may not know, my parents' livlihood was sustained by the ownership of a trailer business, and they sold or rented everything from utility trailers, to RVs (including pop-ups), to mobile offices. As I looked at that old pop-up, I recalled a time when my parents had three or four of these units fully open and unfolded, on display on the lot. This old tent camper reminded me of a 1960s day a storm began to blow up. Dad called upstairs (to where we lived, above the business) to mom, asking her to come help him fold up these tent campers to prevent storm damage. Mom complied, wearing her full, '60s-style skirt. Dad said, "Ruth, you take the mattresses out, and I'll start folding up the campers!" I watched the windswept events unfold from our upstairs window, having been admonished to stay inside, out of the impending storm. And then the fun began. Mom grabbed a mattress, and the wind grabbed mom. And she would NOT let go. The next thing I saw was mom rolling with that mattress down John R, with her skirt over her head! They rolled and rolled: mom/the mattress, mom/the mattress, mom/the mattress ... Dad began chase, doing all he could to rescue mom, but he was no match against the mattress, which was more like a kite in that wind. AND MOM WOULD NOT LET GO. When mom and the mattress finally came to rest nearly a block down John R, her skirt remained over her head as she tried to fight her way out from under that skirt. Dad had by now caught up to the both of them, and tried to help mom up off the sidewalk, but she was sooooo angry that all she did was swing at dad. Dad was laughing, which served only to make her madder. Adding insult to injury (and it was only mom's dignity that was injured), the patrons of the barber shop across the street were applauding. Oh my goodness, it is a scene I never forgot, and one which brought us all years of laughter thereafter. Mom was always able to laugh at herself, once her pride was restored, and this was one of her most admirable qualities.

The 1970s. Once again, I attribute today's 1970s memories to Uncle Fred's having sent me some photos he had of ME from my high school days. These photos were fresh in my mind when Larry and I took our drive, as I had just shared them with Larry. In one of the shots, I was playing my beloved bass fiddle, which I continued to enjoy playing bluegrass music on for years and years thereafter. In two other photos, I was in my drum majorette uniform. My hair was long and straight, thick, and reached the middle of my back. I was very trim in those days, and very healthy (and I took all that hair and all that youthful health for granted!). And when those photos were taken, I had not a clue as to the twists and turns my life had in store for me in the decades to come. (I posted one of those majorette photos here; can you believe that's me??)

The 1980s. As Larry and I drove along, we passed the farm that my cousin Kathy and her husband of 30+ years lived in not long after they married. How could that much time have passed?? Their old Hurd Road farm is not far from where Larry and I live now, and is in fact on the very same road, but in a direction of our road we rarely travel. So, when we passed their old farm, I recognized it, and more memories came flooding back! Kathy and Fred had a water bed in that vintage farmhouse, and the kids LOVED playing on that bed -- back when my kids were so little, all those years ago. Sigh. Yes, I was blessed by the birth of both my sons this decade ........... I lost mom in this decade as well -- she never lived to see me have children -- and after losing her, my life was never the same. I learned in this decade that life is not always as carefree and happy as mom had made it for me all those years prior. What a wakeup call it was.

The 1990s. As we passed Kathy and Fred's old farm, Larry, who became my blessed husband late in this decade, turned on the stereo. In the CD player, he had one of my first CDs, the one I recorded in Branson in 1993. More memories rushed my brain. Bittersweet memories of when I was singing in Branson, commuting back and forth from Michigan to Branson, and wishing I'd never followed that dream in the first place, even though my Branson vocal experiences are among my most cherished and fondest. So bittersweet. I missed my boys so much during that time. (Be careful what you dream.)

The 2000s. By now, Larry and I were on our way back home. As we pulled into the driveway of our house, and I looked at the For Sale sign out front, more memories came to me. Thoughts of how much I had wanted our house, this "house of my dreams." But alas, we hadn't been here a month until the neighbors to our front built a huge pole barn in front of our house, and my dream house became a nightmare. This act of rude inconsideration was one I never got over, and is one I have thought about and been saddened by every single day since the pole barn was erected in 2005......... It was in this house that I learned I had stage 3 breast cancer (gulp), and in this house that I continue to recover from same. And it was early in this decade that I lost my dad to the cruel ravages of Alzheimer's. And late in this decade that my beloved grandson, Duke, was born! You know what they say, "Life is like a battery: you have to have both negative and positive in order for stuff to work."

The 2010s. And now, we begin a new decade. I could feel myself emerge from this experience of my life flashing before my eyes within the span of one short drive, as I wondered what this decade, as yet in its infancy, will bring for my family and me. I know what it has brought so far. It has brought me health problems that have threatened my life. And while my illness has frightened me beyond measure, it has also taught me many things. So many things, that if the remainder of this decade marches forward uneventfully, I will still have learned enough in this first year of the 2010s to fill a whole decade. I learned the value of love and support, as I experienced how many people love and care about me, and send up prayers for me and my recovery. I learned how grateful and thankful for my loved ones I am, and that means ALL of you. I learned that I love life more than I ever realized I did, now that I am fighting so hard to hang onto it. I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I learned that my breast cancer walk with the Lord has given me strength and insight. And most of all, I experienced the integrity of my wedding vows. I have felt, and continue to feel, the true meaning of "to love and to cherish, till death do us part," because this is how I feel about my husband -- a whole new facet and depth of my love for him. And I experienced the "in sickness and in health" promise made to me by my beloved, one that he never broke during the worst experience of our lives together. He has stood by me and taken care of me when I know I couldn't have taken care of myself. And from this example, I learned that life could not be better! How blessed I am!

I was silent throughout our drive this evening, reflecting on the life and memories I cherish. Can you just imagine? Over a HALF A CENTURY passed before me in just the short span of an evening drive!

Lessons and memories. These are what life is made of. Our appreciation and recognition of these treasures are what make us who we are, the good and the bad. Did you ever stop to think that something good almost always seems to come out of something bad? I have learned to try not to focus on what I've lost, but rather, what I have left.

Please everyone, appreciate your life. No matter what it brings you, the good or the bad. Because it's too short to spend time lamenting. The more time we take to lament, the less time we have to appreciate what life really is.

My love and most gracious thanks to you all.

Love and God bless,
Deb 33333333333

Saw the Plastic Surgeon

Hello to all,

Okay, here's the update. I saw the plastic surgeon (PS) earlier this week. The news regarding my reconstruction was not really what I wanted to hear, but remembering back on my main goal when this horrible journey began for me, which was to STAY ALIVE, I guess I can't complain.

The PS told me that my skin is very hardened and “woody” from the effects of radiation, and that if he had to decide today whether to do the conventional implant or the flap surgery, he’d have to go with the flap. As I have mentioned before, the flap surgery is quite painful and scares me so much. I was wrong however, in how I had explained the flap surgery before. I had originally thought that there would be skin harvested from my back and fat sucked from my belly to form a new breast. Nope. It seems that with either option, I will get an implant, and my belly fat will be left alone (oh good, I LOVE that fat!). The question is, did the radiation therapy remove my skin’s elasticity to the point of it reversing the effects of all the skin stretching and expanding that the PS had done with this tissue expander? It appears so. The PS said it’s still a bit too early to tell if my skin will regain any of its suppleness, and that over the next couple of months (until my next appointment with the PS in June), I can try softening the skin by regular massage and application of creams and cocoa butters/moisturizers. If I do that, I might have a slim chance of foregoing the flap surgery and having just an implant. If the skin remains hard and leathery however, then he will stretch skin around from my back to my front, to cover an implant. Recovery time for an implant: a couple of weeks; time in the hospital: outpatient. Recovery time for flap surgery: four to five weeks; time in the hospital: a couple of days. Also with the flap surgery, pain is on par with the mastectomy, and I will once again have my “friends,” those God-awful drains for a few weeks afterward. Further, after my mastectomy, I developed a life-threatening blood clot in my lung, as a result of the surgery. I now worry that the same thing will happen to me again if I have the flap surgery. Dear Lord. What a threat, what a scare.

I asked the PS about my ongoing “stage 3” fear. He told me what every other doctor has told me. There is no way of knowing what our future holds, and I can either go through life marching forward, or go through life looking backward, waiting for the footsteps behind me to grab me in the darkness. Well you know me, the glass is always half empty and I am a pessimist. Bah. So I left there in tears, and have been crying on and off ever since. I am so, so scared even now. And I wonder if I am trying to fool myself by distracting myself with thoughts and dreams of moving out of this house I dislike so much, and into that one I love so much. Is it all for naught? Should I even be entertaining thoughts of a future of any kind?

Larry, bless his heart, has said that if I want to do nothing surgically (other than take the tissue expander out and be done with it all), that’s fine with him. He would never have me go through all this pain for HIM. God bless him for that! I am blessed by the freedom he gives me in letting this be totally my choice. But I do want to feel whole again, for me. We went to Wendy’s for a burger after my PS appointment and I looked out the window at this lovely tree that was in full bloom. I first thanked God for letting me see the beauty and wonder of His work. But then I stopped to think of what made this particular tree so pretty. It was the symmetry of it. It was shaped the same all around. Balanced. That’s what I want to be again. Balanced. With symmetry. I want to feel as normal as I can once again. But ... doesn't everyone in my situation? And once again, breast or no breast, reconstruction or no reconstruction, I AM ALIVE, for now, at least. For how long, I don't know. But then again, no one does, I guess.

So, as you can probably tell, I'm a little down. Trying to go forward and put my life back together after an experience like this is NOT easy.

My surgery, which ever kind I get, is scheduled for August 12. I hope you will all keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I will go to the plastic surgeon in June, at which time, he should be able to tell me which procedure will be best for me. In the meantime, I am applying creams and lotions like it's 1999! If I can get this skin all soft and supple again, maybe I won't have to have the flap surgery after all! Fingers crossed!

Thank you to everyone again for hanging in there with me. Please keep praying for me. I have come a long way, but still have a ways to go, and have come to depend on your prayers and support! Oh, and the consensus on the gray hair seems to be pretty positive. Thanks! Maybe I won't have to visit the Clairol aisle after all!

Love,

Deb 3333333

THE NEW ME!

Hello family and loved ones!

Well, as you can see by the new photo I posted here, a "new me" is slowly emerging. It's been a long, TOUGH road and a process I would not wish on my worst enemy. But slowly, I am getting there. I am still quite weak, still move pretty slowly, and I sometimes walk with my big, tall walking stick. But I am doing much better.

As I have mentioned before, my hair is coming back in, snow white, or, I guess more a gray color. It is still very, very short and close to my head, but it's definitely coming back. I can't say it's coming back in a different color than it was, because actually, I think this gray WAS the natural color; I just didn't know it because I kept it dyed a dark blonde all the time. Anyway, I will probably let it grow out this color and see how I like it. In the meantime, I am sporting this new wig that you see in the photo. My real hair had begun to show below my wig, so I bought a new wig that is the color of my natural hair. And as you can see, my real hair is indeed poking through around my ears under this wig too. But with the new wig being the same color as my real hair, it's a more natural look. Dunno if I'll be able to get used to the look of this new GRAY me or not; time will tell.

Feedback anyone?

The awful weight gain is "weighing" heavily on my mind. Further, my oncologist, whom I saw a couple of days ago, said that the Arimidex (hormone inhibitor) I have now started (and will take for five years) causes weight gain! Man oh man, I just can't win here. But at least I am alive!

I am so enjoying the new growth all around us here! Everything is turning green, blooms are on the trees, and the air smells SOOOO GOOD!!! I love all the new life around me, and have a whole new appreciation for EVERYTHING. Sometimes it makes me shed a tear to know that I am here to see another season begin.

Our house is now officially for sale. We have been working very, very hard to spruce this one up and get it ready to show. It has been a lot of work, and we have gotten rid of literally truck loads of things. This has really made me tired, but it has taken my mind off of the bad things, and allowed me to think of positive things, like the desire to move! No showings yet; please pray that we can sell this house before the one we would like to buy is sold to someone else.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who keep up with my blogs and have stood by my side throughout this terrible journey. I know it sounds so cliche, but I truly have benefitted from the support of all of you, and to know I was in the thoughts and prayers of so many has really gotten me through some very tough times. Please continue to pray for me, as I have a ways to go yet. I will see the plastic surgeon on Monday. Hopefully, he will tell me when the time will be right for him to complete my reconstruction!

Love to all,
Deb

PS: Sister Dee, are you getting my emails?
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Feeling Better

Hello everyone,

Well, as you can see, I have changed out my photo from the one showing my FIVE-ALARM radiation burn, to one that shows a much more pain-free me. I got many comments on my radiation photo, and I apologize for alarming you. Yes, it was painful, but that is part of this process, this ordeal. I am using my blog not only to communicate with all of you who care so much, but also as a personal journal of this process. So I am trying to show all the ups and downs of what this journey has entailed. WHEW!

In this new photo, I am still wearing my trusty wig, which is the color my hair was pre-"Big-C." But underneath this wig is a snow-white, new crop of hair that's coming in at what Larry says is, "a pretty good clip." Groannnnnn!

So, as you can see, I am feeling a little better, and I hope this eases the minds of those of you whom I had concerned with that last photo of the radiation burn. As you can also see, and as I have mentioned a time or two, I have gained 30(!) pounds! No one told me that the chemo treatments I'd be getting were full of steroids! Doctors have only recently told me that a weight gain was expected. I just hope I can get it back off again! Now that the weather is getting nicer, and I am feeling a bit better, perhaps I can do some walking.

I still tire very easily, I'm still pretty weak, and I can't do as much as I could before all this started. But gradually, my strength is returning, and I am spending less time in bed. Thank goodness, because I am getting tired of lying in this bed, getting up only to go to doctor appointments!

Next on the docket is the completion of the reconstructive process. My plastic surgeon tells me I have to wait for three to four months after radiation is complete, to let the skin and underlying tissue heal before he performs the surgeries necessary to reconstruct the breast. So now, I have some "time off" from so many doctor appointments each week.

I did recently see two of the doctors on my team (two different appointments). One was my lymphedema doctor, and the other my medical oncologist. Both told me they expect me to "be fine," and be a long-term survivor. Praise God, because this is a bit different than I HAD been told previously. I am now on Arimidex, a hormone inhibitor, which will hopefully block the hormones that drove the cancer to begin with. I will be on the Armimdex daily for five years. If during that time the cancer does not return, I will be considered to have been cured. So keep praying! And I humbly thank all of you for the prayers you have sent my way already. PRAYER WORKS!

So until next time, Larry and I would both like to wish all of you a most blessed Easter. PRAISE GOD, THE LORD IS RISEN!

Love to all,
Deb 33333333333

Whew! Radiation is Complete Alright ...

... and now I am really "feeling the burn!" The doctor said that even though my radiation treatments are complete, my skin will probably continue to blister and burn for a few more days. I am in a lot of pain. Doc gave me soaks and "cool pads" to put on, and Vicoden to take orally, but these things don't help much. Still though, if all this pain, all the sickness, and all the surgeries keep this cancer monster from EVER returning to terrorize my body, IT IS ALL WORTH IT!!! I attached a photo of my under-arm area so that you could see why I am STILL having problems using my right arm. I thought once I got well past the surgery, my arm would be more useable. But having lost so many lymph nodes on that side made it difficult. And now, as you can see by the photo, I am still having trouble using my arm. But once I finally get this under control, you'll be hearing from me personally!

Love to all, still and always,
Deb 333333333333

YAY!! RADIATION IS COMPLETE!!

My treatments are officially done! Oh my gosh, I never thought I would get here, but here I am! Six weeks of radiation, five days a week, 30 treatments, and I am done! Yippee! Now mind you, it is not without pain. True enough, radiation didn't make me sick like chemo did, but lemme tell ya, I am BURNED pretty badly across my chest and most significantly under my arm. My skin is badly blistered and a very deep red. Under my arm, it's beyond red and is a black color. The doctor gave me ointments, soaks, cool packs and the like to put on the burned areas, and these things help. But it is still quite painful. BUT COMPLAINING, I AM NOT! I guess I am now considered to be cancer free! I hope this is true, and most of all, I hope this horrible beast never returns to threaten my life again.

In the radiology oncology office hangs a very large marine bell. On it is engraved, "THIS BELL RINGS FOR ALL WHO HAVE WALKED THIS PATH." And along the bottom of the bell is engraved: "Courage, Hope, Triumph, Strength, Faith, Love." On the last day of treatment, patients celebrate by ringing this bell, and it is LOUD. So today, I got to ring the bell! And I let it CLANG, too! There are several ladies I have shared the waiting room with over these last several weeks, and we have kind of become our own little support group (though I am still the highest of them all, at stage three; and I am the only radical mastectomy while the others are all lumpectomies). Anyway, knowing it was my last day today, one of the ladies brought me flowers. And when I rang the bell, she and another of my "buddies" were in a photo I had taken of the event. I will cherish these fellow breast cancer survivors forever. And Linda (the one who gave me flowers) and I plan to meet for dinner soon. I also plan to go back next week, when it will be the last day for many of these ladies, to watch them ring the bell too. The bond we ladies formed is very touching and meaningful to me.

So everyone, another milestone reached. Now I am "off" for a few months, other than checkups with all the various doctors on my team, one of whom is the plastic surgeon. I will see him at the beginning of April, and hopefully, he will be able to give me some idea of when the reconstructive surgery can be expected. WHEW! I can't believe how far I've come, and ..............

I WOULD NOT HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR WITHOUT THE LOVE, THE SINCERE LOVE AND SUPPORT OF ALL OF YOU OUT THERE!!!!!! Gosh, the cards, the gifts, the prayers and the good wishes sent my way throughout this process have been very instrumental in successfully getting me to this point! And the cheering me on! I don't know HOW I'd have done this without all of you! It has NOT been an easy journey. In fact, it has far and away been the most difficult physical challenge I have ever faced. It's true what they say: "Breast cancer is not for sissies." I am so blessed and so thankful for all of you who have kept me close at heart all this time. My personal thank-you's are coming soon, as promised! My right arm (my writing arm) is still very weak and difficult to use, but it is getting better every day. And I have not forgotten the importance of letting loved ones know on a more personal level than a blog, what the support of all of you has meant to me! THANK YOU!

I have taken many photos throughout this journey, and they include all the things my beloved supporters have sent me along the way. Everything from cards to flowers to gifts have been photographed, so I will forever be able to enjoy and remember the love and prayers that I have been so blessed by. There are also photos of me going through this process throughout, a couple of which you have seen (for example, that shot of me in bed, so chemo-sick, I could hardly think). I have begun a scrapbook of this painful process. It seems an odd subject matter to make a scrapbook of. Most scrapbooks contain happy memories. While my journey has not at all been a happy memory, it is, nonetheless, a year of my life that has significantly changed my life forever. One day, I hope to look back on this, look at what I went through and how far I've come. And I hope to say, "WOW! What the HECK was THAT???!!!"

I am not done blogging though, as this process is not yet over. I will still be blogging and keeping you up with checkups and the reconstructive surgeries (though I don't think I'll post photos of that!). And with this 30-pound weight gain (caused largely by the steroids in the chemo treatments), as well as my very, very SHORT, GRAY hair (still so short I continue to wear my wig), I am not exactly eager to post photos. But I WILL still be blogging! So please check in from time to time, comment if you are so inclined, cuz I LOVE reading your comments. And always, ALWAYS remember how much each and every one of you mean to both me AND my angel, Larry!

Love to all, and prayers of thanks, too!
Deb 333333333333